The Best of Binky's Johnny Weir Blog: Larry King

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Dancing With the Stars: The Portal to Oblivion

Leave it to the graceless Larry King to break the news to Johnny Weir on live TV that Evan Lysacek had been selected to appear on the upcoming 10th season of Dancing With the Stars (DWTS), which begins March 22. Johnny had previously and somewhat shyly expressed an interest in appearing on the show.

And leave it to Johnny to respond, as always, with class and dignity.

So since Johnny covered that, I am free to respond with snark. (Because otherwise the universe would be precariously unbalanced. It's a yin-yang sort of thing. Go with it. Really, I'm just doing my part to save the world.)

Let me say that I'm very happy for Evan. Because DWTS is cheesy. And DWTS and Evan Lysacek are the perfect marriage of, let's say, low-moisture part-skim imitation mozzarella and processed orange-colored American cheese food product. Oompa Loompas around the world could be heard cheering when Evan's name was announced. (I know. That one was a gimme. Oh, Evan. It is my life's work to diss you, and you just keep making my job easier and easier ... ).

DWTS is way, way, WAY below Johnny's league.
If Johnny's league exploded, no one on the DWTS set
would even hear the sound for a light-year or two.

Plus, Johnny already has a show: Be Good Johnny Weir--brilliantly witty, often poignant, sometimes "triple X" (says Johnny), and always completely captivating. Fans race to view episodes as soon as they appear via On Demand or downloadable from iTunes, watch them over and over, then trade quotes from the show endlessly around the Web:

"You smell like brisket."

"I was a taller girl, too, once."

"Paris! You cut this like you don't know anything."

"It tastes like there was paper close to it." (BTW, I've had whole years that tasted like that. )

"I am Viacheslav Romanov, reporting to you live from small, filthy bathtub in Newark, Delaware, United States of Amerifunk."

"Can I offer you advice from an older person?" "No." "Everybody gonna die!"

Johnny, your show is so much better than DWTS could ever be. Your show is what every show wishes it could be when it grows up.

And while Evan is busy cheesing it up on DWTS, we'll be cheering for you at Worlds in Torino.

So go for it, Evan. Enter DWTS: The Portal to Oblivion.

Go toward the light, Evan. Go toward the light.

(Thanks to the anonymous commenter at Aunt Joyce's Ice Cream Stand

for the phrase, "Portal to Oblivion"!)