Mmmmm ... our drug of choice
OK, it's official. On average, nine out of ten people currently classified as "breathing" agree that Johnny Weir is totally like crack (the tenth guy was so spellbound watching Johnny's "Ave Maria" that he forgot to breathe and now he's all facedesk and passed out. So we're not sure whether to count his vote or not. We're checking with the Supreme Court since they did such a great job with that whole 2000 presidential-election thingy).
But oh, yeah: One hit and you're hooked.
One layback slide across your computer screen to "Poker Face," one beautiful triple axel as a Fallen Angel, and that boy has you staggering around barefoot, hair a hot mess and pipe in hand, begging, "Please, baby, please? Just hit me with one more link to another video of 'Otonal,' and then I promise I'll quit. Really. I mean it this time."
But of course you don't mean it at all. What you mean is, "Sweet Jesus, I CANNOT get enough of this. I. Need. More. More photos, more videos, more articles, more interviews, and especially MORE PHOTOS. I don't care what time it is, or that I'm at work--now and then, when it doesn't interfere with Facebook--or that I haven't really slept in weeks, or that I have spent entire meals carefully explaining the new points-based system of judging and contrasting it with the old 6.0 system to the people sitting at the next table over from me who seemed a little taken aback at first, but once I SHOWED them his Olympic free skate on my iPhone plus a couple of clips from BGJW--especially the one where he's heading into the shower--all of a sudden they started talking really fast and hyperventilating and asking me for more links and the address of a web site that sells pink tassels..."
You see my point. He is the Hotel California of figure skating. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. (Bonus photo for catching that reference and understanding the metaphor, especially if you're under age 40.) But really, why would you want to leave anyway, what with the fresh pomegranate juice delivered to your room daily and the ontd picspam and the really amazing things that the Russian fans kindly and freely share because hey, baby, you've GOT to take a hit of THIS NEW STUFF that we just found...
Which is why I have now supplemented my primary addiction with a fun and exciting new secondary addiction: Voting for Johnny in the NewNowNext Awards! Yes, our boy is up for "Most Addictive Reality Star," and his nomination in that category means I have got to give those NewNowNext people my own award for "Most Perceptive Grasp of the Impact of Watching Johnny Weir Do Anything."
So for all of us who long for the good old days when we had a petition to pimp out, and since crack and pimps go together like tanning spray and Evan Lysacek, let's PIMP THIS VOTING THING OUT, people! Tell everyone you know, with your trembling hands and enormously dilated pupils, that you need them to vote for Johnny Weir cuz you've got it bad, really bad, and this is how they can help you.
There are two ways to vote:
(1) You can vote on the site itself as often as you like. There are nine categories total; Johnny is the last candidate listed in the fifth category, so be sure to scroll all the way down to find him. You can vote over and over again by simply scrolling through the categories endlessly, but you have to vote in each category in order for the next category to come up. Which is fine with me, because I am happy to keep voting for Betty White in the "Cause You're Hot" category.
(2) As addicting as that is, it can be a bit time-consuming (not that you would have any idea how much time has passed because you sold your watch to buy a black-market DVD of the 2005 US Nationals). But just in case you're actually AT work and didn't call in sick again so you could post a thorough, move-by-move comparative analysis of his "Poker Face" from Festa 09 versus his "Poker Face" at 2010 US Nationals, you can also quickly vote over and over and over for Johnny on Twitter. You just have to tweet the hashtag "#realityWEIR," and each time you tweet it, it counts as a vote.
If you don't have a Twitter account, SIGN UP FOR ONE NOW! It'll be like giving yourself a brand-new shiny pipe with which to indulge your addiction! (Sorry for all the drug references.)
Of course Twitter goes all whack if you keep trying to tweet the exact same thing, so you might need to change it up a little. I've seen some really fabulous tweets as a result, from the cheerily informative to the clear and concise:
Please vote for Johnny Weir as Most Addictive Reality Star! http://www.newnownext.com/vote. Or vote just by RTing this! #realityWeir
Please retweet this, just for funsies. #realityWEIR
#realityWEIR :) just cuz. :P
#maddow would vote #realityWEIR. Just sayin.
YOU ARE MY FIRE~ #realityWEIR
MY ONE DESIRE~ #realityWEIR
Decided to be a bump on a log and not go to Bible Study. ... Oh... and #realityWEIR
impossibly addictive. #realityWEIR
#realityWEIR #realityWEIR #realityWEIR #realityWEIR #realityWEIR #realityWEIR #realityWEIR #realityWEIR #realityWEIR #realityWEIR
because he can say "bitch, please" in three different languages #realityWEIR
I think that last one really says it all.
Oh. Wow. I'm feeling a little ... twitchy ... right now. A little unsettled. Maybe even a little paranoid (WTF are you looking at, bitch? Oh, sorry, dear little cat.)
Yeah, I gotta go.
I have, um, somewhere I need to be.
Something I gotta do.
I'll be back in a little bit.
Don't wait up.
No, I promise it won't be like last time, when I said I was just going to go check my e-mail and four days later you finally found me slumped unconscious over my keyboard with his "Bad Romance" performance from Ice Dreams still playing because I was looping it into a montage of all his exhibition programs using special video-editing software that I bought for $2,000 from that guy on the corner...
I just need to go vote once more. And then I'll quit.
Really. I mean it this time.
Please vote early and often!
(I used to live in Chicagoland, so I can proudly say that.)
Let's help Johnny win this award that he so richly deserves!
Because this whole addiction is his freaking fault anyway,
since he had me at, "I walk on water. Well, frozen water."
copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved
