People magazine reported yesterday that the "skating pros' identities will soon be revealed by ABC." Yay! It’s great to have something as strong and definite as "soon" to hang our skates on! And hello what about THE JUDGES ...?
So while I was sitting here yesterday sucking down my third or fourth venti dark-cherry mocha of the day with my foot tapping 900 beats/second waiting for SOME KINDA OFFICIAL SWTS ANNOUNCEMENT (and I dunno how Deb Walsh could hear me from there, but she did), my mind started wandering as it is apt to do, winsome little ADD child that it is, and I was thinking, "OK first of all let’s say he really IS going to be Judge Johnny on SWTS which means Johnny on my TV every week for six weeks in a row and THAT is simply nirvana right there, especially since we’ve been gasping and clawing weakly at our throats to the point of collapse during this months-long BGJW drought ..."
... and then I started thinking that actually he'd be really great as Judge Johnny on The People's Court too …
[Scene: Johnny is on the bench presiding over The People’s Court NOT clad in a drab black judicial robe, but rather in a full-length sable coat with a dazzling diamond brooch affixed to it. In his hand he thoughtfully hefts a solid gold Swarovski-encrusted gavel as he considers the hapless plaintiff before him.]
Johnny: Seriously? You loaned this person [waves gavel fluidly in the direction of the defendant] $1,500 and you didn’t think to have him sign a promissory note? Or even scrawl something on a napkin? You’ve GOT to get it in writing! Don’t you know that? Are you stupid?
… and then my dear Twingle friend Jenn Kittler was kind enough to gently point out that what I must have MEANT to say was that he’d be GOOD ON ANYTHING AT ALL (yes, of course! Thank you, Jenn!), and THEN since I had already inhaled the last of my venti, I kinda drifted off with my foot still maintaining its staccato beat and one hand hovering over my keyboard hitting "refresh" on Google News every 30 seconds or so while clutching my TV remote in the other hand, index finger pressed against the "channel" button, clicking along in time with my foot taps …
-CLICK-
Dexter
[Scene: A male victim is strapped to a table with cellophane wrap, mouth gagged, eyes panicked. Johnny/Dexter stands serenely at the head of the table, plastic apron tied just so, full-face visor in place, bejeweled jigsaw held loosely in his finger-condom-clad hands.]
Johnny: This may get a little arm cutty-offy …
-CLICK-
[Scene: Johnny/Sue is seated at his desk, sporting a red Adidas track suit and surrounded by trophies. His beautifully manicured fingers drum incessantly against his clipboard. Will Schuster is seated across from him.]
Will: You can’t do this! Those kids have worked too hard for you to ruin Regionals for them. Again.
Johnny: [cocks eyebrow and leans forward] Hard work? Let me tell YOU about hard work, you brillo-headed tone-deaf poster boy for all the things that were wrong with '80s boy bands. I skated backwards uphill both ways in Red Square wearing only a mink bowtie to outrun the KGB. Hard work? Try slitting a man’s throat from 100 yards with a thrown skate. Your little freaks don't know the meaning of hard work--
-CLICK-
Big Bang Theory
Johnny/Sheldon: I wonder if I’ll get nominated for an Emmy?
[Koothrappali whispers in Wolowitz’s ear. Penny rolls her eyes. Wolowitz snickers.]
Johnny: Why are you laughing? We have a show on TV. You can get an Emmy for that.
Leonard: They’re laughing cuz you’re a car.
-CLICK-
Dirty Jobs
[Scene: Johnny/Mike Rowe stands on the precipice of a sewer drain in New York. He looks down. He looks up. He looks down again. He looks back up at his work partner, an elderly engineer leaning casually on a shovel.]
Johnny: You want me to go down there?
Pedro: Sí.
[Johnny looks back down into the hole.]
Johnny: There? Down there?
Pedro: Sí.
[Johnny swallows audibly.]
Johnny: Is there a very good reason?
Pedro: Sí. There is a blockage.
[Pedro holds out his shovel.]
Pedro: You are going to unblock it.
[Johnny looks at the shovel.]
Johnny: Not for all the Birkins in China.
-CLICK-
Johnny/Joan Holloway Harris: I feel like I’m stuck somewhere between Doris Day in Pillow Talk and Midnight Lace, when what I need to be is Kim Novak in just about anything.
-CLICK-
True Blood
[Scene: Johnny/Sookie sashays through Merlotte’s Bar and Grill, black shorts and tight white T-shirt drawing admiring glances from the half-drunk patrons. The front door flies open with a bang. Eric and Bill shove their way through the door, each fighting the other to get to Sookie first.]
Eric [breathless]: Sookie! We’ve had enough. You must choose. I can no longer tolerate being an afterthought in your life.
Bill [chest heaving]: Sook-eh, listen to me. I love you. I always loved you. How can you have feelings for this ... this Viking? My blood is in your veins. We are meant to be together!
[Johnny blinks, looking back and forth at the two desperate vampires.]
Johnny: Ya’ll need to calm down. I already told ya’ll how I feel. Eric gets Monday through Thursday. Bill, honey, you get Friday to Sunday. That's the deal. Take it or leave it.
[Johnny turns and exits, ponytail swinging.]
Bill: Was Sook-eh wearing ice skates ...?
-CLICK-
Johnny/Billy Mays: You bet your Loubs I CLEAN tiles! I bet YOU can’t clean TILES like I CAN clean TILES! I SPRAY KABOOM® ON MY TILES! It’s got TRIPLE SPRAY ACTION, which is MORE artistic than other cleaners and LEAVES some energy for TRIPLE AXELS and SPINS! A little KABOOM® plus the exaggerated decibel level of my VOICE and KABOOM®! It’s ALL CLEAN! IT CLEANS SHOWERS! IT CLEANS FLOORS! IT WILL EVEN CLEAN YOUR ENTRYWAY! It will CLEAN EVERY DIRTY BATHTUB IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERIFUNK. Twice! THREE TIMES! WATCH as I KABOOM® this GLUE-GUN RESIDUE off Tara's DRAPES!! WATCH as I KABOOM® Paris!! WATCH--!!
-CLICK-
SpongeJohnny Sparklepants theme song and opening credits!
[Scene: SpongeJohnny and Paris/Patrick are sitting in Squid-lina's front yard, back to back, eyes devoid of rational thought.]
SpongeJohnny: What do you wanna do today?
Pa(ris)trick: I dunno. What do you wanna do today, bitch?
SpongeJohnny: I dunno. What do YOU wanna do today, super-bitch?
Pa(ris)trick: I dunno. What do YOU WANNA--.
[Squid-lina sticks her head out her front door, eyes bulging, pomegranate juice in one hand.]
Squid-lina: If you two don’t be shuttink ups, I killink both you and snail you rode in on!
Gary-Eric Alt [with concern]: Meow.
SpongeJohnny: Hey! I know! Let’s go do a quad on Plankton’s head!
Pa(ris)trick: Yeah! Um ... I can’t quad ...
SpongeJohnny: Oh, it’s OK, bitch. Just keep belly strong! We’ll do it together!
-CLICK-
"… and in a stunning move, the ISU and USFSA today announced in a joint statement that they are scrapping the entire judging hierarchy and incomprehensible WTF Points-Based Scoring Thingy in favor of a new, simplified judging system. Since expressing her interest in a tweet heard ’round the figure-skating world a week ago, Patti Weir has been named the new Czarina of Judging. She in turn has chosen her son Johnny, the 'People’s Skater,' as Czar, and his Aunt Diane as co-Czarina. Together the three promise to revolutionize figure-skating with a simple thumbs-up/thumbs-down judging method that will leave no room for politicking, point-shaving, or podium placements for people who spend most of their programs falling down. The news was heralded as a milestone for figure skating, and in a press release issued by his Agentress, Tara 'Yes! Book Him!' Modlin, Johnny was quoted as saying: 'I am honored to be able to have a positive impact on the sport that I love so much, and I promise to perform "Just Dance" in my Porno Robot costume before every competition as requested by my fans …' "
(… hey, we can dream …)
Oh, and BTW:
AND:
Designer T. Rains and Johnny have teamed up to raise money and awareness for The Trevor Project! This organization is "determined to end suicide among LGBTQ youth by providing life-saving and life-affirming resources." Proceeds from the "Army of One" t-shirt sales will go to The Trevor Project foundation. Order yours today! Your support is greatly appreciated!
For more information, please visit www.thetrevorproject.org.
For more information, please visit www.thetrevorproject.org.
They have great tidbits to offer,
and you get a special sneak peek at an exclusive photo
from the Artbook when you sign up!
In exchange for a donation to Toys for Tots,
Trish Aaron-Misiura will send you one handmade,
Johnny-inspired Christmas ornament! More info here!
