The Best of Binky's Johnny Weir Blog

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

We Have Now Called in the Marines...

...fighting for the rights of Americans everywhere

to fly that [freak] flag high.

From Johnny Weir's Facebook page:

Will Hayes Holman So I broke down and iTuned your show. You crack me up, dude. And get this: I had six other Marines huddled around the computer all watching as well. One even made a shirt afterward that said, "2010, Year of the Weir!" What can I say? You rock, bro.

So do you, Will. So do you.

Petition update:

We are at 9,350 signatures!

Our goal is to reach 10,000 ASAP!

Please sign right now if you haven't already!
Don't make me send Will and his buddies
over to your house...

Update: Hey, His Name Is Richie!

Two alert readers were kind enough to notify me that Tara Modlin's assistant is named Richie, and yes, he is indeed very nice. Thank you both! And he most certainly is.

I can't believe I had two Ice Dreams conversations with Richie in one week without the manners to ask him his NAME, for ~~Pete's~~ Johnny's sake!

So since I can't be a good example, please let me serve as a terrible warning: This is what happens when you phone and speak and
blog without first applying a thick yet natural-feeling sheath of
caffeine--a protective covering, as it were--to your brain.

Please: Practice safe blogging. Always, always get your caffeine
on first.

After all, we must think of the children! (Mine are usually the first to say: "Mom, have you had any caffeine? Because wow. Pants are so important," as we are headed out to the car and I am clearly under-dressed for the occasion...)

Johnny Weir and David Wilson

get their Starbucks on at Festa on Ice in Korea in 2009.

(Photo originally appeared on IceNetwork

courtesy of Johnny Weir.)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Ice Dreams: Bad Romance in Bensen-Where-the-Hell-Is-THAT-ville, Illinois!

(talk about your ice dreams... :)

Petition update:

We are at 9,100+ signatures in just one week!

Our goal is to reach 10,000 ASAP!

Please sign right now if you haven't already!

From Johnny Weir's Twitter feed (yes! You can follow him on Twitter! You can even get his tweets sent as texts to your cell, so when you hear that special "incoming-text" ring tone, you can pretend for one sparkly second that Johnny's really texting you personally!):

I'm so excited to be performing for @cutiescitrus Ice Dreams on April 1 in IL. Come see my Bad Romance! www.icedreams2010.com! 6:41 p.m. March 12

Excited to work my version of "Bad Romance" tomorrow. Think gold lamé, chains and buckles... Love to all! 10:28 p.m. March 14

Off to the rink. It's never to early to get your Gaga on. About 8 hours ago

Yay! Johnny will be on the ice again April 1--just a few short weeks away!--with (*fingers crossed*) a hot new costume and routine set to Lady Gaga's Bad Romance.

He'll be the star performer at Cutie's Ice Dreams, hosted by the truly lovely 1976 Olympic gold medalist Dorothy Hamill, at the Edge Ice Arena, 735 East Jefferson, Bensenville, Illinois (map here, because I keep getting Bensenville mixed up with Belleville, and then from there I start thinking, "Oh wait--maybe it's Belvidere?" and then, "No, Ben-something--Benton? Benson? No, no, I know it's something-ville ... Wait, Naperville?" And then a giant mongoose appears and bites my head off.)

Anyway, since Sort-of-Southwest-of-O'Hare-ville is a scant
three-hour drive for me, I wanted to buy tickets--general admission, $25-- for myself and my two kids. But I have never actually been to a figure-skating event. Which now leaves me wondering what the hell I've been DOING with my life up to this point.

So I called both the arena itself and Johnny's agentress Tara Modlin's office last Tuesday, March 9, to confirm that Johnny would indeed be performing at Ice Dreams April 1, and to find out about the general admission thing. I believe I spoke to Tara's assistant, a very nice young man who I think had no idea what was about to hit him oh, say, one week and 9,000 signatures later...

At that time, I asked if the event was sold out because hello? JOHNNY WEIR?

And the very nice young man LAUGHED and said no, they still had tickets.

Then, in my next call, when I asked the Edge's receptionist how early we should come to the arena to be guaranteed a seat (remembering general-admission-rock-concert-stampedes of my youth), there was an awkward pause.

And then she soothed, "Oh, I don't think we have to worry about that. Maybe about an hour early, tops?"

And then I realized:

(1) Not a lot of sold-out figure-skating shows in recent years, apparently. Thank you, Smucker's Satyrs on Ice, for screwing that up for everybody. And:

(2) Ice arenas may somewhat cater to--how shall we say this?--an income bracket QUITE a bit higher than my own. As we spoke, I was idly looking at the arena's web site, and I saw that two hours of daily practice time for your child costs $275 per week. (Though the Edge does offer drop-in public skate time at a very reasonable rate of about $8, for which I commend them.)

So suddenly it dawned on me that ice arenas--or at least the one in Almost-Addison-Where-There's-a-Really-Great-Italian-Bakery-ville may be used to a rather more sedate, moneyed audience that strolls in, takes their seats quietly, and enjoys the show with polite enthusiasm.

Which in no way describes how I or any of the 33,440 Facebook fans I have met thus far will be acting when we see Johnny.

God help those nice Edge people on April 1.

Breaking news update! I had another enjoyable conversation with Tara's assistant (and I really MUST get his name, because he has been so kind to me and very patient with all my questions and has never once used the words "stalker" or "restraining order" in our conversations) at Fireworks yesterday. He says that $125 VIP tickets will be available shortly that will get you into a two-hour fan meet-and-greet (also known as Heaven. Or Nirvana. Or Paradise, although I'm guessing without the 72 virgins) with Johnny after the show!

If, like me, you've already purchased a $25 ticket, you can pay the extra $100 to upgrade to the VIP ticket. They will be posting this info on Johnny's Facebook page and on the Cuties Ice Dreams Facebook page soon--it's already on the updated Ice Dreams page--but the very kind man said it was OK for me to go ahead and share these details now if I would please stop calling this number.

(Even if you can't make it to Ice Dreams, you can participate in a special thank-you from the fans to Johnny. More details here!)

Special thanks to http://johnnyweir.ning.com/ for the fabulous photos!
copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Today's Sermon: The Invention of Hypocrisy

"So, Mom, why don't they just CALL it 'Conservative Evangelical Christians on Ice' instead of 'Stars on Ice'?"

"Because Evan Lysacek is Greek Orthodox, so that would be inaccurate, dear."

And Smucker's Stars on Ice is nothing if not a stickler for truth. Smucker's founders were Mennonites, after all, and those values still permeate the company. And Stars on Ice producer Scott Hamilton is a member of the ultra-fundamentalist Church of Christ. So clearly, it's all about truth at SOI.

That's why they came out with this proud statement:

Yes, it's true. We have never invited Johnny Weir to join our tour because we do indeed think that he is not "family-friendly." And of course by that we mean "gay"--although Mr. Weir has never made a statement regarding his sexual orientation, so it's really just that he makes us uncomfortable. Especially because we find him extremely hot, particularly here. Also here. And you people don't have to like it, but by golly, it's our tour and our money and our values. And since honesty is high on our list of values, we are happy to confirm that honestly, we are indeed bigots, because there is no other explanation for why an amazingly talented champion like Mr. Weir, who has the largest fan base of any figure skater in the world, is not on our roster. After all, with a name like Smucker's, we have to be bigots.*

No, of course they didn't say that. Of course they HAD to deny the story with breathy gasps of righteous indignation and small, fluttery hand movements that weren't at all gay because really, even in America, we're not ready for that kind of truthfulness--the kind that, say, Johnny Weir completely embodies by living authentically, or the kind exhibited in the movie, The Invention of Lying, where everybody says the truth, to everyone, every day. Try that sometime, and see how well your next romantic evening goes ("Wow, I really find your cologne too heavy for my taste." "Yes, I was just thinking the same thing about your hips.")

So, no, I made that up.

Stars on Ice's actual response to the petition late Friday was this lovely bit of obfuscation:

We are disappointed that there is untrue and inaccurate information being disseminated. Please be assured that the “gender identity and sexual orientation” of cast members has never been a consideration in the selection of tour performers. ... While Stars on Ice wishes it could accommodate many more talented skaters as part of our cast, the fact is we cannot sign every skater.

Oh, I see. The roster is just SO CRAMMED FULL that they can't possibly make room for one more skater. Even though he's rather slim and can actually almost fit inside a small cabinet.

Then I was reminded by an alert Johnny's Angel that Evan will be missing quite a bit of the SOI tour because of his Dancing-With-the-Has-Beens obligation. So that would open up some tour dates for a few guest appearances by Johnny, right? Which makes SOI's no-room-at-the-inn statement seem a tiny bit disingenuous.

And then I read an announcement that Stars on Ice (and you know, every time I type that, I keep mistyping it as "Satrs," which my spellchecker interprets as "Satyrs," which, according to Greek mythology, were male companions of Pan and Dionysus and were associated with sex drive and often portrayed with perpetual erections, so really, how family-friendly is that?) had signed Joannie Rochette to the tour.

Joannie is the official spokesperson for WorldVision Canada, an Evangelical Christian organization.

Hence my daughter's question above.

Please know that I have nothing against Joannie, think she's fabulous and courageous, sent her condolences over the truly tragic loss of her mother, and agree with Johnny that hers was the iconic performance of the 2010 Olympics.

But, in the words of a new Johnny's Angel, "I'm learning so much from all this. Like that unbridled hypocrisy kinda scares me. "

So PLEASE, Smucker's Stars on Ice.

The only people you're fooling here are yourselves.

And that's the truth.

To show your support for Johnny Weir and his family,

please sign this petition! Let's call out the sponsor of the

Stars on Ice tour who won't invite Johnny

because he's not "family friendly"(?)

More info here, here, here, here, here, here,

and pretty much everywhere!

*Brilliant new Smucker's slogan (c) Leslie Jones Falls from Facebook.
Special thanks to http://johnnyweir.ning.com/ for the fabulous photos!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Petition Update: Umm, Why Would Johnny WANT to Skate for Stars on Ice?

Just my opinion, for what it's worth, no warranties either expressed or implied, and all other disclaimers yada yada yada:

To those who are asking, "Yuck! Why would Johnny even WANT to skate for Stars on Ice?" I feel compelled to say: Good point.

However, this is my understanding: Johnny REALLY has wanted to do SOI because it's the best way for him to earn money in the off-season to help his family; he'd be doing something he loves, unfettered by blind, bean-counting judges; and he'd be doing it in his own country (he loves his international fans, but it would be nice to not have to travel so far for an appreciative audience). It has been reported that he's paying for his brother's college education and also helps out his parents; his dad's on disability.

And it is my impression (based on covert intelligence-gathering secret ops involving trusted sources and dark Internet alleyways) that ALL THE OTHER SPONSORS of SOI want him too. It is also my understanding (please don't nail me to the wall or ask me to produce affidavits--but do know that there is basis to the whispers and rumors) that there's just one holdout.

Apparently this mess actually began back in 2008 when Johnny had just won a medal at Worlds--the only American to do so in two years. Stars on Ice posted a poll on their website: "Who would you most like to see on SOI?" Johnny won by an incredible landslide, the poll was promptly removed from the site, and when an explanation was demanded, the "not family-friendly" comment was the response posted on the SOI message board. I do not have a hard copy of that post, but there are plenty of witnesses to it.

Fast-forward to 2010 and the incredible outpouring of fan support worldwide for Johnny after the travesty of the Olympic judging. Suddenly all the other SOI sponsors are standing around, shifting their feet uncomfortably and muttering to each other, "Geez, that kid's a GOLD MINE waiting to happen to SOI...." (which, it's rumored, has been hemorrhaging money. I've been told that they had to cancel something like 20 of 40 tour dates in recent years, and even those dates play to half-empty arenas).

The other sponsors' eyes dart nervously to the big(oted) kid whose mouth is smeared with jam--but still he just won't budge...

I believe (again, my blog, just my opinions, based on some ... stuff... here and there) that the other sponsors may be hoping that outside pressure might make a difference.

For Johnny, even if it doesn't, the enormous amount of publicity might entice another corporation to underwrite his own tour--which would kill SOI completely.

To which I say, "Yay!"

Anybody got Ben and Jerry's number handy?

To show your support for Johnny Weir and his family,

please sign this petition! Let's call out the sponsor of the

Stars on Ice tour who won't invite Johnny

because he's not "family friendly"(?)

More info here, here, here, here, here, here,

and pretty much everywhere!

Family Values: In Praise of Patti Weir

This started out as an open letter to Johnny's mom, Patti Weir, a woman I admire so much that there aren't even words for it, but along the way it made itself into a poem--into free verse, actually, which, when the subject is Johnny Weir, seems exactly right.

Dear Patti,

From one mom to another:
You are amazing.

I would love to meet you for coffee.

You are funny, outspoken, and brave.

You are the only mom I know
who would allow the world to watch
as you plaster on huge fake eyelashes
to be interviewed by your son,
who himself has donned a blonde wig,
fake glasses, and a Russian accent,
and begins the interview with,
"He came out of your vagina,"
to which you simply nod and smile.

It's easy for the rest of us to forget
that the phenomenon known as Johnny Weir
did not just fall out of the sky one day
for our entertainment.

Once upon a time, he was a little boy.
Your beautiful little boy.

(I'm sure he still is every time you look at him.)

A little boy who very much went his own way.
Literally.
"Even when I was little, I was playing on a soccer team
and running the complete opposite way,
pretending to be a zebra, an ostrich, or something.
So I have always been ... like this."

"We tried soccer, baseball and hockey,"
you said,
"but Johnny never liked team sports.
He was so shy and quiet.
But on the ice, he came alive.
It was OK to be himself.''

Johnny has often said
that it was you and his dad
who taught him that it was OK
to do just that:
to be himself.

But while you instilled in him that it was OK,
I don't think it was ever easy.

When ignorant people
made appallingly ignorant comments
about Johnny during these last Olympics,
he shrugged.

"I've heard worse in bathrooms and whatnot about me."

(I can only imagine
the incredibly hurtful incidents
that inform that simple sentence,
and the pain they must have caused
Johnny.
And you.
Because a wound inflicted on your child
is so much worse than anything
you might suffer directly.)

But you and your husband, John,
raised your boys to know this:

"You must always be yourself
and always enjoy what you are doing
and take no prisoners.

"You can’t care what anyone else thinks
because really there is no basis for that in your life.

"You have to live your life for yourself."

Johnny says you were very upset
that he chose to withdraw from Worlds this year.
And yet I know you remain
his unconditional support.
Always.
And that's what allows him
to make his own decisions
and stand behind them,
because even when you disagree with him,
you're there
standing behind him.

Your wickedly witty boy
is an inspiring example
of grace, dignity, and courage:
a man who owns who he is.
And in the end,
that's all that really matters.

And we can all see that your little boy
became this very fine young man
very, very much because of you.

So thank you, from all of us
who have fallen in love with Johnny,
to you--
who loved him first
and fiercely
and so very well.

To show your support for Johnny Weir and his family,

please sign this petition! Let's call out the sponsor of the

Stars on Ice tour who won't invite Johnny

because he's not "family friendly"(?)

More info here, here, here, here, here, here,

and pretty much everywhere!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Petition Update: Power to the People! MWAH!

So late Tuesday night I received the go-ahead from trusted sources to post a blog entry regarding whispers that all the corporate sponsors except one would be delighted to have Johnny Weir--God's gift to glitter, figure skating, and impossibly gorgeous glutes (yes, I have seen Episode 107)--join the Smucker's Stars on Ice tour.

Hence this petition:

We, the undersigned, call on Stars on Ice and its sponsors

to include figure skater Johnny Weir

on its tour of United States cities.

Yup, apparently just one big corporate sponsor* stands in the way of millions of Americans getting to see Johnny do his thing--including the deliciously rumored new Lady Gaga exhibition piece.

What's the problem? Well, this corporation has allegedly decided--for you, for me, and for all Americans--that Johnny is not "family-friendly." Because that's the America we live in today: Conservative corporate fat-cats get to decide what choices you can't have.

The petition had first appeared online Sunday, March 7. In three days, we had collected 1,606 signatures. (For more back story on the petition, please see this post and also this one.)

But now, armed with this new info, Johnny's thousands of fans mobilized immediately to say it with LOTS of signatures: "What the smuck! Who are you to decide what's friendly for our families?"

After it hit the blogs, Facebook, and Perez Hilton on Wednesday (thank you, Perez! And thank you to Johnny's Angel "Wisewitch" for alerting Perez to the big scoop), we doubled the number of signatures in less than twelve hours!

I just now wrote to them suggesting that

they change their slogan to

"With a name like Sm_____s, we have to be bigots."
Leslie Jones Falls on Facebook

And now, as of this writing, we have just gone over 3,700 signatures.

BUT WE NEED MORE! This tour is something that Johnny really wants, according to those close to him. And that means this is our chance, as his fans, to actually do something concrete to thank him for all the joy he's given us, and all the sacrifices he's made to do that.

How often does this happen, that you can do one simple thing to make a huge, positive difference in someone else's life? Carpe diem, people! (Rough translation: Seize this sponsor by the ~~balls~~ shoulders, push them under the white-hot glare of viral Internet exposure, and apply pressure firmly [now hand me that cattle prod, would you, dear?], until they GET IT.)

So at the risk of repeating myself, let me repeat myself:

Please sign this petition
to get Stars on Ice to include Johnny
on this year's tour.

And by "sign" I mean "now." RIGHT NOW.

We need THOUSANDS more signatures

by Monday morning, March 15!

Now get out there and tell those corporate cardboard cut-outs what we the people want: More Johnny Weir!

Because when it comes to Johnny, too much is never enough.

(Ohhhhhhhh daddy... )

*To respond to those who have asked: The sponsor shall remain nameless.
But this is certainly a clusterSMUCK of a mess, and bombarding those
motherSMUCKERS with e-mails and also promising to boycott their products
will send the right "SMUCK you" message. If you get my drift... :)

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Pimp That Petition Out, Baby!

Only Johnny Weir, and those closest to him, knows for sure why he chose to withdraw from the World Championships. But some have speculated that when you skate your personal lifetime best and deliver two programs that are absolutely transcendant on every level, only to be shuffled off to sixth place behind skaters who actually FELL DOWN--why do it all again at Worlds for people from the same pool of judges? Perhaps he's had enough of beating his head against that particularly frigid wall of officialdom.

There's also a wonderfully delicious rumor that, now that he's not training for Worlds, he may soon be putting together a new exhibition skate to a medley of Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" and "Teeth." And I would pay big, BIG money to see that. Are you listening, Stars on Ice?

Which brings me to the most important news for fans as we wake up this morning to a Worlds without Johnny: What can we do to continue to show our support and love for him in light of his decision?

Here's what:

Sign this petition to get Stars on Ice to include Johnny on this year's tour.

And by "sign" I mean "now." RIGHT NOW.

We need THOUSANDS of signatures by Monday morning, March 15!

We've got 1,606 as of this writing.

But Johnny has 31,411 fans on Facebook and 46,379 Twitter followers right this second. Granted, there's some overlap between those two groups, but COME ON, PEOPLE--we have not yet begun to sign!

Here's why (sparkly tidbit of news!): Lots of Johnny petitions have made the rounds lately (We want him in the Olympic Gala! We want him on "Dancing With the Has-Beens"! We want him to come for dinner and show us how to slice cheese!), and many fans have hesitated to sign, wondering, "Does Johnny really want to [skate here][dance there][stay overnight with me]?"

The answer regarding this particular petition, from a very trusted source, is YES. Johnny wants this. Johnny would love to skate, and skate, and skate some more for all his fans around the U.S (he already gets to skate a lot in other countries). This is also how skaters make money in the off-season to support their skating habit (and their fans' addiction) during the competitive season.

Up till now, Johnny has been snubbed by Stars on Ice. But the word floating around down in the secret tunnels of the Internet, also from trusted sources, is that YES, in fact, Stars on Ice wants Johnny, too. (So good on them, and all is forgiven.)

Except that, whispers suggest, they're being held hostage by one big corporate sponsor of the tour who does not want him. Because apparently he's not "family-friendly." Whatever the hell that means. (Oops, I'm not so family-friendly, either. Although in my family, swear words are a sign of affection. So WTF do I know?)

This despite the fact that, as the petition so eloquently states:

Johnny Weir is a popular skater
with families and fans of all ages.
He represents strong family values,
including respect for individuality

and supporting the self-esteem of all children.

Of course we all know "popular" doesn't even begin to cover it when Johnny adds Facebook fans faster than I can type the word "fans."

And strong family values? You betcha. I truly don't know a more positive role model for parents and children alike than this man, who has shown us over and over, with incredible grace, humor, and dignity, what it is to fearlessly be who he is--who God created him to be.

And, who credits his parents with instilling in him both that strong sense of self, and accountability for that self, with their endless love and support. And the occasional kick in the ass.

What stronger family values do you want, dear shadowy, soulless, corporate sponsor, than this poignant quote from Johnny:

I would have really, really liked to have had
a medal at the Olympics. ...
I wish me being perfect was good enough

to get that medal ... To give that medal to my dad,

to hang it around my mom’s neck when I was done,

that would have been the moment

I would have looked forward to

with winning the medal.

That sounds like damn fine family values to me.

So, Johnny Weir addicts, while we're waiting for our next fix, let's make this happen for Johnny! We CAN make a difference! We CAN call out this [clustersmuck of a] sponsor, make them squirm uncomfortably in the klieg lights of the Internet, and "help" them (hand me that long, pointy screwdriver, will you, dear?) try to dimly grasp why Johnny Weir is the best thing to happen to figure skating in a long, long time.

Dear Faceless Corporation:

Johnny Weir is the one skater

that we really want to shell out money for

so we can sit in some cold, drafty ice arena

and watch Johnny do what only he does.

And we on Facebook and Twitter alone

are more than 77,000 strong.

At just a minimum $24.50 ticket apiece,

that's $1.9 MILLION.

Love and kisses, Johnny's Fans

So sign! Post! E-mail! Tweet! Rinse and repeat!

Send this link to everyone you know. Collar people at the free computer kiosks at the library. Text it to everyone in your phone with the subject line, "Let's hook up!" Whatever it takes.

Power to the people. Let's make something sparkly special happen for Johnny Weir.

Pimp that petition out, baby!

Special thanks to http://johnnyweir.ning.com for all the fab photos!

Be Happy Johnny Weir

Embed from Getty Images

Late yesterday afternoon, Johnny Weir issued a statement that he is withdrawing from the World Championships scheduled for later this month in Torino, Italy.

Before the collective wail of his fans had even finished echoing around the Web, the parsing of his statement began.

Most of us are looking for crumbs that suggest he is not yet retiring--especially those of us who came a little late to the party and still have lots of glitter left in the now slightly sad and crumpled-looking bags we are clutching to our chests.

And so we are finding some hope in this part of the statement:

I can assure everyone that I will be re-energized after I’ve had time to rework my technique. I want to be a better competitor and win medals for my country and I hope everyone can respect my decision to take this time off. ... I want my fans to know that I love them and I work every day to make them proud. I will continue to work hard and I hope my work for next season will be the most exciting of my career.

"Rework my technique!" "Win medals!" "Next season!" Is it legal to use all those words together in a paragraph like that? Because those are words that are going to snuggle next to my heart and keep me safe and warm during the long, dreary, Johnny-less days and nights until the 2010-2011 competition season begins . . .

So I'm still absorbing the news, but that makes me feel a little less like my world just tilted WAY off its axis. And bottom line: Only Johnny knows what's right for him in his life. I'm just along for the [crazy glittery pinnacle-to-nadir-to-pinnacle-again-in-60-seconds-or-less whirlwind] ride that is Johnny Weir.

And the bottom line: Be Happy Johnny Weir.

Coming Up Next: Sparkly Tidbit of News!

And, How YOU Can Support Johnny

Thursday, March 4, 2010

When a Picture (Plus Six Words) Is Worth Way More Than Anything I Could Write

From Be Good Johnny Weir, Episode 105. Johnny is, of course, referring to ... his flu shot. Goodness, what did you think he meant?

Special thanks to ProgGrrl, and to the wonderful person who made this image.

Now I need someone to please make a .gif of him at the end of Episode 104, when he confides, “Now that I live alone, I see that I’m good when I’m alone. I see that I can do all kinds of things by myself. Sex included.” The look on his face is just priceless.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Dancing With the Stars: The Portal to Oblivion

Leave it to the graceless Larry King to break the news to Johnny Weir on live TV that Evan Lysacek had been selected to appear on the upcoming 10th season of Dancing With the Stars (DWTS), which begins March 22. Johnny had previously and somewhat shyly expressed an interest in appearing on the show.

And leave it to Johnny to respond, as always, with class and dignity.

So since Johnny covered that, I am free to respond with snark. (Because otherwise the universe would be precariously unbalanced. It's a yin-yang sort of thing. Go with it. Really, I'm just doing my part to save the world.)

Let me say that I'm very happy for Evan. Because DWTS is cheesy. And DWTS and Evan Lysacek are the perfect marriage of, let's say, low-moisture part-skim imitation mozzarella and processed orange-colored American cheese food product. Oompa Loompas around the world could be heard cheering when Evan's name was announced. (I know. That one was a gimme. Oh, Evan. It is my life's work to diss you, and you just keep making my job easier and easier ... ).

DWTS is way, way, WAY below Johnny's league.
If Johnny's league exploded, no one on the DWTS set
would even hear the sound for a light-year or two.

Plus, Johnny already has a show: Be Good Johnny Weir--brilliantly witty, often poignant, sometimes "triple X" (says Johnny), and always completely captivating. Fans race to view episodes as soon as they appear via On Demand or downloadable from iTunes, watch them over and over, then trade quotes from the show endlessly around the Web:

"You smell like brisket."

"I was a taller girl, too, once."

"Paris! You cut this like you don't know anything."

"It tastes like there was paper close to it." (BTW, I've had whole years that tasted like that. )

"I am Viacheslav Romanov, reporting to you live from small, filthy bathtub in Newark, Delaware, United States of Amerifunk."

"Can I offer you advice from an older person?" "No." "Everybody gonna die!"

Johnny, your show is so much better than DWTS could ever be. Your show is what every show wishes it could be when it grows up.

And while Evan is busy cheesing it up on DWTS, we'll be cheering for you at Worlds in Torino.

So go for it, Evan. Enter DWTS: The Portal to Oblivion.

Go toward the light, Evan. Go toward the light.

(Thanks to the anonymous commenter at Aunt Joyce's Ice Cream Stand

for the phrase, "Portal to Oblivion"!)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

"Stars on Ice" Minus Johnny Weir Adds Up to One Big ClusterSmuck

Aunt Joyce's Ice Cream Stand has an excellent entry on the car wreck that is the Smucker's Stars on Ice (SOI) figure-skating tour.

The salient--and unimaginably short-sighted--point here is that Johnny Weir, who has no equal on or off the ice, has never been invited to tour with SOI. Not now. Not ever. Not as a two-time Olympian, nor even when he was the reigning three-time US National Champion.

Scott Hamilton, 1984 Olympic gold medalist and SOI producer, is a member of the Church of Christ, a far right-wing fundamentalist church. You may now jump to your own conclusions. ("I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were." Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 2, episode 15.)

Dear Stars on Ice: No Johnny Weir? Smuck You

Yup. Johnny Weir, the one male figure skater with 41,172 Twitter followers and 28,496 Facebook fans (and those numbers will be outdated by the time you read this) will not be part of the [financially struggling] tour [playing to half-empty arenas]--even though nearly all of those followers and fans would gladly shell out for a minimum $24.50 ticket to see Johnny.

Let's do the math...

Why yes, that's correct: All those minimum-price tickets would total almost $1.71 million--a number only slightly higher than the total number of YouTube views of Johnny's Poker Face videos alone.

Interestingly, rumor has it that Evan Lysacek was already signed to tour with SOI this year before he even got off the plane in Vancouver. How fortunate for Scott that Evan won the gold medal.

How fortunate for the rest of us that before SOI's lame tour even begins, Evan will be cheesing it up on Dancing With the Stars--and we'll be watching Johnny at Worlds in Torino.

Samuel L. Jackson attends SOI: "Enough is enough!

I have HAD it with these mothersmucking snakes

on these mothersmucking skaters!"

So again with the math:

Stars on Ice
= Scott's Fundy Freakshow
     (with special thanks to Laura Weiss Linger*
     for that marvelous descriptor)
= Scott Hamilton + Evan Lysacek - Johnny Weir
= not even worth the energy it takes to type
    "EPIC SMUCKING FAIL," let alone the price of a ticket.

*Also from Laura: "The only way I want to see the words 'Johnny' and 'Smuckers' in the same sentence is if it involves Johnny rolling around in strawberry jam clad only in his underwear, and the rest of us jam lovers getting to lick it off him at $5 a pop." That works for me, too.