The Best of Binky's Johnny Weir Blog: gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Johnny Weir. Photo © Official Johnny Weir Blog.

Thank you for calling Maximum Freakage, the Johnny Weir Fans' Crisis Hotline. Please listen closely as our menu options change frequently depending on his mood and the color of his bag.

Press 1 if you're freaked out about his hair. Your call will be automatically forwarded to Eric Alt, who will reassure you in his warmest and most soothing voice that only the finest products were used in creating whatever is on his head today, and also that It's. Just. Hair. And. Will. Look. Different. Tomorrow.

Press 2 if you're freaked out about whatever he's wearing today, what he wore yesterday or to a past event, or what you think he might be planning to wear soon. The outfit in question will be compared to a list of items that Victor is surreptitiously giving away to Goodwill in hopes that he can have at least one freaking drawer for himself. Otherwise, Rachel Zoe and Brad Goreski will listen to your concerns and make copious notes to which they can refer when offering to style Johnny on an upcoming episode of either of their shows.

Press 3 if you're freaked out because he hasn't tweeted in more than 24 hours. We'll empathize with you and read you a comforting selection of past tweets, noting previous time gaps in precise minutes, seconds, and milliseconds, then offer our best calculated guesstimate as to when he'll tweet again. Proven 99% accurate except when he completely surprises us. Which happens... a lot.

Press 4 if you're freaked out about a specific tweet posted prior to January 18, 2012. Linguistics experts, written-voice analysts, grammarians, and his third-grade teacher are on call to help parse every phrase, word, letter choice, and punctuation mark. Their conclusions are then minced and boiled into a mixture consistent with tea leaves, which are read back to you by mystic oracles clad in tatty terry robes. (Results may vary.)

Press 5 if you're really really freaking tired of certain ridiculous comments on the Improv-Ice poll. Operators are standing by to send you a stack of pamphlets to share with commenters, which explain... erm... self-stimulation and how to properly simulate it for all those people who have apparently been doing it wrong. Helpful illustrations include the cover image: a zoomed-in photo of Mr. Weir in the Safety Pants that offers a climactic response to all those protesting with just a bit too much excitement in their outrage that "those pants outline every detail of his anatomy!" An explanation of the phrase "broad appeal" and how that translates into "winning this poll" is included.

Press 6 if you have a mammoth thing shoved in you. We'll try not to giggle.

Press 7 if you're freaked out by this tweet in particular:

If symptoms include hyperventilating, insatiable desire for cookies or chocolate, inability to stop refreshing his Twitter page every five seconds, desperation to redefine the meaning of "tomorrow" ("tomorrow" WHERE? It's already tomorrow in Japan!), and staring in horror at a nearby clock whose hands have SERIOUSLY. STOPPED. MOVING. I. SWEAR. TO. GOD., you may be suffering from:

Please immediately drink three Bellinis, light a candle, and genuflect before an image of Patti. Then allow us to hold your hand virtually whilst we swill more alcohol and await clarification together. Which we're sure is coming ANY MINUTE NOW....

In the meantime, please busy yourself by continuing to vote for Johnny to win Best Improv-Ice Skater:

(Votes as of 3 a.m. EST today.

Please click the graphic to see

the latest real-time poll results.

Cuz these numbers are obvs already outdated.
Since of course you just voted, yes?)

And enjoy this gif of the man who has been happily torturing you since 1:33 pm EST yesterday:

Johnny Weir. Photo © David Ingogly @ Official Johnny Weir Blog.

Gif created from HDOI photos
© David Ingogly.

Hey, Johnny's been nominated for a Shorty Award!! You can join in on the nominating process by clicking here and tweeting your vote for Johnny. Most fans are voting for him in the "Athlete" category.

Note: The Shorty Awards have very specific rules, which essentially boil down to this:

(1) You can only nominate him ONCE from each Twitter account that you have. Additional votes from the same account will NOT be counted. So it's one of those deals where we need a LOT of different people to vote, rather than a few people voting a lot.

(2) Your nominating tweet MUST include a reason (for example: "I nominate @JohnnyGWeir for a Shorty Award in #athlete because he inspires his fans to believe in themselves"--thanks @PatinaGlace!).

(3) You must NOT copy someone else's reason in your vote.

All righty then.

The nominating period ends February 17--please vote vote vote!! For more info, click here.