The Best of Binky's Johnny Weir Blog: Smuckers Stars on Ice

Showing posts with label Smuckers Stars on Ice. Show all posts

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Vote for Johnnik. He Is Real Man.

Pssssssssst... hey you.

Yessss, you.

Vat you doink here?

Who, us? Vat arrre ve doink? Uh ... ve zhust, uh, you know, hangink out. Yesss, rrrright here. Vhere no one see us.

Ve're fine. It rrrreally comfortable here, ecktually. Although Johnnik's knees goink to give out any minute frrrom hunch down to Galina's height.

Oh, all rrright. Eef you must know, ve trrryink avoid Stars on Ice people. Their show suckink big time. They need Johnnik could help them. But he too much man for them. But not mirrracle vorker, vhich they rrrreally need. Their choreography so terrrrible! And he vould never vearink bondage gear vhile he sssskate. It so not ... vhat is term I lookink for? Oh da. "Family frrriendly."

Anyvay. Shhhhhh. No tell anyone you see usss. Nyet!

And vhy you lurkink here, anyvay?

Shouldn't you be make self useful and votink for Johnnik as "Most Addictive Reality Star" in NewNowNext Avards? Vatever that is.

Go on. Ve zhust goink to be hidink out here for a vhile. Go tveet #realityWEIR few hundrrred times. And check to sssee if Bozik tveeted yet.

Now go! Don't make me get Viktor chase you avay.

Do svidaniya!*

Please remember to keep voting for Johnny

as "Most Addictive Reality Star" in the NewNowNext Awards!

Vote here or on Twitter by constantly tweeting #realityWEIR.

Voting ends June 4, which gives us plenty of time

to get Johnny oh, say, ONE MILLION votes!

*Goodbye! Or, until we meet (again).

Monday, April 12, 2010

See Johnny Write. Write, Johnny, Write. Tell All, All, All. Writing Is Fun!

So Johnny Weir tweeted recently that his long-awaited book

is on the horizon! Here's how we envision it:

(Alternate book titles still under consideration:

IceGame: The True Story of Figure Skating's
Diva Bitch Whore from Hell
Unbound, Uncensored, and Unapologetic:
Johnny Weir Tells All

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Johnny Weir

But Were Really, Really Afraid to Ask

Johnny Weir: Man Enough to Be a Diva Bitch on Ice
Speechless: The Fabulous Untold Story of Johnny Weir)

With a prologue by agentress Tara Modlin titled, "Managing Johnny. Or Trying to, at Least. He's Really Not Very Manageable. And He Makes Fun of My Feet."

Chapters we'd really like to see:

1. Growing Up in Amish Country: Who Says God Doesn't Have a Sense of Humor?

2. Childhood Photos (awwwwww...)

3. The Rivalry Begins: “Which I Don't Even Know What That Is”

4. Medals, Medals, and More Medals!

5. Why I'll Always Love Priscilla (awwwww, Part 2)

6. The Anatomy of Johnny Weir (Nude Photos, Part 1)

7. That Was Really Clever for Evan (one-sentence chapter)

8. ZebraSwan Forever

9. It's a Plushy! (Yes, It Really Is, Although There's Nothing Further That Can Be Offered by Way of Explanation...)

10. The Birth of Viacheslav Romanov

11. Bad Romance: The USFSA and Me

12. Enter Galina: She Who Must Be Obeyed. And Also Who Brings Me Pomegranate Juice.

13. Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged--And I'm the Judge of You Now, You Silly Skating Officials Who Should Probably Slink Quietly Away and NOT Read This Chapter and Hope to God Nobody Else Does Either

14. Medals, Medals Everywhere--Except for Where They Should Be (see preceding chapter)

15. The First Time I Ever Said, "Ohhhhhhh Daddy..."

16. Nude Photos (Part 2)

17. For the Love of God, LOOK IT UP, Evan!

18. Around the House With Johnny: The Proper Way to Slice Cheese, Pledge Everything, and Shave Your Chest (includes Paris' favorite cupcake recipe!)

19. Poker Face: Addressing the Sexual-Orientation Question (this page intentionally left blank)

20. “So, You Slept Mostly on Your Left Side…?”: Questions and Answers with Mother Superior St. Patti o’ Weir, Who Also Really Deserves Some Kind of Medal Engraved With the Words “He Came from Your Vagina”

21. A Brief Explanation of the New Judging System (separate
9,672-page companion volume to the book that includes a nude centerfold of Johnny which is the only reason why anyone would bother to buy it)

22. Smuckers Smack-Down: Guest-Written Chapter in Which Fans Discuss Why Johnny Shouldn't Skate for SOI Even If Those Smuckers Got Down on Their Knees and ... er ... Begged Him (includes Yet More Nude Photos, Part 3, with strawberry jam strategically placed)

23. Bonus! Travel Tips from Aunt Diane! How to Feel at Home Anywhere: Simply Laugh Helplessly While Demonstrating the "One Pigeon, One Duck" Walk. Also: How to Get Your Nephew to Stop Torturing You With His Naked Butt in Your Hotel Room (Diane is open to suggestions for this section because she's tried EVERYTHING and he won't KNOCK IT OFF...)

24. Bonus! “Everybody Gonna Die!”: Final Thoughts from Viacheslav Romanov

Special thanks to Johnny Weir Facebook fan Lizzy Pine

for the book-cover art! Fabulous, as always!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

At Last! Binky Answers Your Top 10 Questions About Ice Dreams!

Embed from Getty Images

So here's the thing: I have much glitter and glamor to share from my adventure in Bensenville (which is likely the first time the words "adventure!" and "Bensenville" have ever been used in the same sentence). Let's begin here, with these sparkly little tidbits:

1. Did you, in fact, meet Johnny Weir? Like really meet him? And did you then immediately throw up on him? Why yes! And no! No vomiting! For which I'm sure he is really, really grateful. And may I offer to the court this incontrovertible piece of photographic evidence, which yes, I already posted yesterday on the blog and will probably continue to post every. single. day. on. the. blog. for. the. rest. of. my. life. I'm also using it as my desktop background, having it made into a mousepad and a set of fifty coffee mugs, enlarging it to poster size so it can be hung in a place of honor above the fireplace, creating a calendar with it in which it will be the only photo every month, and will most likely use it as our Christmas card photo every year from now on.

2. Did Tara really take this photo? Yes, indeed she did, even in the midst of complete chaos and way too many sweaty people. And I can't thank her enough. But I keep trying, by e-mailing her every hour on the hour...

3. OK, you met him! But DID YOU SMELL HIS NECK? Which seemed to be the number-one question on Facebook after the show. And the answer is: Um, no. Because he is a person, not a gorgeous mannequin designed for our pleasure (although the Chinese factory is really making headway on that project, I hear!), and I am a little old-fashioned about personal boundaries. Yes, he probably would let people smell his neck, because he's incredibly accommodating. But I leave that to some other fan, braver than me and from whom it might seem less creepy.

4. Were the reports of a mongoose infestation seriously overstated? Yes, thank God, although I brought along Lizzy's mongoose repellent just in case.

5. Did you meet Richie and Elkin? Yes! And they were just as kind and courteous in person as they are on the phone. Although we didn't get to talk much because it appeared to me that they had to spend most of their time hustling from one end of the building to the other wearing headsets, clutching clipboards and walkie-talkies, and having this same conversation over and over: "Can you hear me?" "No. Can you hear me?" "No. What channel are you on?" "I don't know. What channel are you on?" "What?" "I can't hear you. There's too much static." "Turn the knob to the left." "What? We learned that Bob has left?" "Who's Bob?" "I don't know. Where's Tara?" "What?"

6. Were there any conservative Christians on Ice wearing bondage gear, like some kind of bizarro-world Fox News S&M party as seen at Smutty's Stars on Ice recently? No. Just family-friendly Johnny Weir, to whom every little kid flocked as though he were the Pied Piper, and from whom every parent wanted an autograph. As far as describing the show as a whole, I would place "Ice Dreams" pleasantly in the middle of the continuum between "Bigots on Ice" and "I Dream Endlessly of Johnny Weir."

7. Was the Sundance crew there filming? Which might mean the longed-for Season Two is in the works? There were lots of people with various kinds of cameras. I have no idea what that means because I am an ex-Lutheran, and we only know what we're told and are not able to draw conclusions on our own. We don't even clap or stand or sit unless somebody tells us to. And nobody told me anything. Although there was an enormous amount of clapping and standing any time Johnny was on the ice, which leads me to the conclusion that this was clearly not a Lutheran crowd. We even clapped and whistled and screamed whenever we could just barely see the outline of his right shoulder looming off stage, thus effectively drowning out whatever the truly gracious Dorothy Hamill was trying to say at any given moment.

8. Is it worth spending the money to see Johnny skate live? Yes. It is worth getting a second or third job, selling everything you own, and living in a cardboard box. Whatever it takes. I have watched endless videos of his competitions and exhibitions, all of which are brilliant. And none of them compare to seeing him live. You can really see that he draws energy from the audience and that it informs his performance in real time, while he's skating. His Russian piece was exquisitely, hauntingly beautiful. And Bad Romance? So, so, SO hot! My daughter observed thoughtfully that while other skaters skate to their music--sometimes even rather well-- Johnny is so clearly in a class by himself because he inhabits the music. He uses every beautifully executed jump, every flick of the wrist, every piece of footwork, every head toss, even every position of every finger, to completely embody the song. It is absolutely amazing, and the power of the live performance does not translate to video. Although it's close enough when I have the shakes and I need me some Johnny crack NOW.

9. What three words would you use to describe what he is like in person? Wow. Limiting myself to three words is FAIL. I can't do it. I would use all these words: Unbelievably gorgeous. Beautiful inside and out. Extraordinarily sensitive and perceptive. Other-worldly. Intense. Focused. Highly sexually charismatic in a way that completely transcends gender. Very fine-boned, yet muscular and powerful. Accessible, but guarded underneath. And my strongest impression, though I was not expecting it to be the strongest: Vulnerable. And fragile. I think that perception may have been enhanced partly because he was so very, very tired.

10. Is there anything else you can tell us? Please please please PLEASE? Possibly, but then I'd have to kill you. And then someone would have to kill me. And then there'd be no more blog, which I think we'd all agree would really be a tragedy. So please bear with me, and stay tuned!

Special thanks to my kids, who helped me with this post.

Because if anything, they're way wittier than I am.
Also: Please, no offense intended to any Lutherans, past or present!