Bitch, PLEASE.

Johnny's future's so bright, he's gotta wear shades!

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Oh, Evan.

Evan, Evan, Evan.

Really?

While Johnny was at the Breast Cancer Research Foundation Hot Pink Party supporting that worthy cause and looking completely ab fab and having people line up to be photographed with him, you were apparently busy running your mouth in a Q&A with Metromix Indianapolis, a publication that I have successfully managed to avoid throughout my entire life up to this point, which really wasn't that difficult since I've never even heard of it, so when I saw the link I was like, "WTF?" Although apparently this leading-edge entertainment guide, or whatever it is, is available everywhere in the quaint Americana that is Indianapolis, including these fine establishments: "$4.00 Pizza", "21st Amendment Liquors," "8 Lucky Buffet," "Ugly Monkey," and, of course, both "Brown Bunz Tanning Salon" and "Tan Elite."

(Which brings up a fascinating point raised by alert Facebook fan Jessica Lane: "You know, when Johnny tans, his ass gets a little heart. But somehow when Evan tans, it goes so horribly wrong ... ")

Anyway, equally alert fan Jennifer Apodaca was the first to post the MetroWTFmix link on Johnny's Facebook page. Seeing that there were already 38 comments on it by the time I got there 38 seconds later, I immediately clicked the link to check it out.

And then after I read the interview, I spent a few leisurely moments just chillaxing by sticking my head out of my home-office window and screaming, "OMFG I NEED TO KILL SOMETHING!" over and over.

(It's OK. My neighbors across the street have entire conversations in their backyard that I can hear with crystalline clarity on my front porch even without the aid of the Loud 'n' Clear personal hearing amplifier in which the most frequently used word is "MOTHERF**KERS" and all fanciful variants thereof. So we understand each other.)

Then I sat back down at my desk to formulate a response that did not include the descriptor "douchenozzle"--which is stuck in my head thanks to the good people at ontd_skating--a task that I found quite challenging, given my subject. Because, as Glee's Puck would say, Evan made me want to light myself on fire even before he opened his mouth and became the hideous thing that ate Indianapolis.

Let's start with an overview: The entire piece is an exercise in stuff that only the ontd_skating people can really describe with made-up words that make me laugh until I cry but can't be used here because I didn't click the button that turns on the "Adult Content" warning for this blog. Although I may have to. But for now, please go read the comments here because they are priceless.

But here's the part that really pissed me off:

Fellow American Olympic skater Johnny Weir has said he feels snubbed by “Stars on Ice” because his sexual orientation wasn’t “family-friendly enough.” Thoughts?
“Stars on Ice” is really selective of who they hire and they only hire the best of the best to skate. It would’ve been hard of them to justify hiring him, and I think he was really upset because he wanted the financial benefit of the tour. A lot of us in the skating world were really disappointed in the way he reacted, basically whining that he wasn’t chosen.

The question is poorly worded to begin with, which in no way further lowers my opinion of this stellar ... thing (good Lord, what IS it? A magazine? A newspaper? One of those free dating rags loaded with creepy personals and thinly covered in "articles"? What?) to somewhere just south of Antarctica. Which I think would be a really great place for Evan and SOI to go next. Permanently.

To kindly clarify for this reporter, who apparently did not have time to do her homework because she was too busy tanning or watching Failing With the Has-Beens: (1) Johnny did not ever say he felt snubbed. However, he WAS, in fact, snubbed. And there's no way around that no matter how much SOI tries to deny it with breathy gasps of indignation and fluttery little hand movements.  (2) No one--and especially not Johnny--ever said his sexual orientation was not "family-friendly enough." It was said that Johnny himself was not "family friendly." Johnny has always maintained that he did not know where that comment came from, nor even what it means.

But OK. A stupid question was asked, so of course, Evan, you were contractually obligated to provide a stupid answer. So props for that, because you could not have been more graceless and uninformed in your response. Let's break it down:

♦ The "best of the best"? Johnny is both a three-time US National Champion and a two-time Olympian. You're not. Neither is Jeremy Abbott, nor Emily Hughes, nor Alyssa Czisny, nor any of the other skaters on SOI's roster this season as far as I know--except for Todd Eldredge, whose competitive career was truly among the best of the best.

♦ "Stars on Ice is really selective of who they hire." "It would have been hard of them to justify hiring him." First of all, you're a native English speaker. Surely you know when to use "of" and when to use "about" or "for." (Although, as my daughter helpfully pointed out, "Mom, maybe it's an ESL thing. You know, Evan as a Second Language." Which would certainly help to explain this. And this.) Secondly: See above.

♦ "I think he was really upset because he wanted the financial benefit of the tour." And may we assume from this statement that you are skating for SOI for free? Because you're just so beautiful dirty rich?

♦ "A lot of us in the skating world were really disappointed in the way he reacted, basically whining that he wasn’t chosen." EXCUSE ME. Johnny did NOT whine. EVER. We fans did all the whining on his behalf, although I don't think "whining" is really the word to describe what we did about the travesty that is SOI. Championed the cause? Spoke out against the obvious discrimination? Got the power of GLAAD behind us? Pointed out all the facts I've already mentioned, of which, despite all the play in the media, you seem to remain blissfully ignorant?

And may I also remind you that throughout all the media firestorm that resulted from SOI's indefensible stance, every time Johnny was asked about it, he simply shrugged and said something along the lines of, "I've never been invited before, and I didn't expect to be invited this year."

That's not whining, Evan. That's just a fact.

And BTW: Nearly every time Johnny has been asked about the 2010 Olympic judging, he has made space in his response to include a congratulations to you for winning the gold. Because he's just classy and gracious like that.
 
But it's all good. Because long after Evan Lysacek is just a footnote in some paperback sports-trivia book at the dollar store, Johnny Weir will still be going strong, a success at whatever he puts his heart, mind, and soul into--because that's the only way he knows how to live--and people will love him the world over for it.

Like they do now.

So. Just when I thought I couldn't dislike Evan Mongass* Lysacek any more than I already do, he goes all projectile verborrhea on me and achieves a new low. It's sort of the complete opposite of how Johnny's star has just totally taken off since NOT medaling at the Olympics. Evan has now arrived at the nadir of both grace and media savvy. Apparently that's where he landed when he fell on his head the other day, an incident that leads those who want to give him a break over the EPIC FAIL that is this interview to mumble, "Maybe it's the concussion talking ... ?"
 
Not buying it, Orange Bro.
 

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Please keep voting for Johnny
as "Most Addictive Reality Star"
in the NewNowNext Awards! Vote here
(he's the last one listed in the fifth category--scroll down!)
or on Twitter by constantly tweeting #realityWEIR.

Voting ends June 4, which gives us plenty of time

to get Johnny oh, say, ONE MILLION votes!

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*Thanks to Johnny Weir Facebook fan Anna Acierno for "Mongass" :)

copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved