Sing It With Me, People! "Dirty Love, Ooo Ooo, Dirty Love..."

For Johnny...

Once again, Facebook fan Lizzy Pine

comes to my rescue with art that is absolutely perfect.

Of course, it helps that her subject

is so fabulous to begin with... :)

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Well. Ahem.

Let me adjust my tiara and my charming potato-sack dress. And carefully set my Starbucks down on my lovely new placemat.

All righty then. To recap:

So we were all milling around in Weirlandia last Friday, warmly exchanging photos and video links, and deeply engaged in a detailed discussion of exactly how Johnny could restyle his mullet with a peacock motif, when suddenly this cute little article popped up: "Johnny Weir Launches Music Career With His New Song 'Dirty Love.'"

And everybody froze for a moment.

And then we spent the rest of the day playing Opinion Dodgeball, which is like regular dodgeball only with scalpel-sharp poison-tipped spears instead of those weird red rubber balls that only seem to exist in endless supply at junior high schools, and the ever-increasing speed of the opinion volleys eventually resulted in a giant cloud of wankness that hung over Weirlandia like the residue of Chernobyl. Although--and let me stress this--it was NO ONE PARTICULAR PERSON'S fault. No one was labeled a wanker. But wankness ensued as a result of the collective lack of grace.

So then everybody crawled under their desks like we were in some Cold War drill from 1955, and we put on our gas masks and glanced furtively around and felt kind of--sick.

And then the carnival ride here shut down because dust from the cloud was getting into all the machinery and really making it impossible to maintain a normal atmosphere, which is to say one in which we all whirl around reading at breakneck speed and laughing till we puke.

It's pretty much over now, because the good people of Weirlandia are like that: Caring and forgiving toward one another, and very much united in our diversity and our deeply, deeply held love for Johnny Weir, the conductor of this Crazy Train from which none of us EVER want to disembark, especially when all of a sudden, if we listen closely, we can hear him happily singing in the lead car (he has a lovely tone and is even better when he's not nervous).

So just two small items to cover:

(1) One comment--which I believe has since been deleted--that really stopped me in my tracks during our dodgeball free-for-all was this: "I respected and admired him up until this point."

And I thought, "Really? THIS is what makes you stop respecting and admiring Johnny Weir? That's he's going to--oh dear God I can hardly say it--deep breaths--give me strength--that he's going to--um--SING?"

I mean, I could understand a loss of respect and admiration if he announced that he's actually in an open relationship with North Korea's Kim Jong-il, or that he's giving up skating to pursue his secret dream of being a suicide bomber, or that he honestly believes in the Mayan 2012 prophecy which is why he's signed on as Sarah Palin's campaign manager, or that he's been lying about his financial struggles because in reality he's the top guy in that worldwide human-trafficking ring headquartered in Russia.

But singing--just one little song--THAT's the admiration-killer? Wow.

Fortunately, Johnny expanded on my wow (which really sounds like an activity that should have been a LOT of fun, now that I reread that...) with this tweet. Which, though it may or may not have anything to do with the recent wankness in fandom, reminded me all over again why I love this man, and which inspired Lizzy's beautiful art in response.

And BTW: I plan to be the first in line (unless Lizzy accidentally tramples me in her haste to get there) to download Johnny's song from iTunes when it comes out so that I can promptly transfer it to a CD and blast it over and over again while the kids and I drive the Carmela car around town just so we can hear his voice on those speakers.

(2) Also wow: I was truly amazed at the number of people who reached out via e-mail, Facebook message, and IM to ask what I thought. Of course, I responded quickly and astutely with, "What? Who, me? You're asking me?" And then, after much interesting and overly passionate discussion, eventually I had to, of course, completely crack up. Because there is nothing more ridiculous than a whole big wad of people--MYSELF INCLUDED--all taking themselves way, WAY too seriously. So thank you all, I loved hearing from each and every one of you, and I love Weirlandia, even when we squeeze our collective buttcheeks a little too tightly and act like idiots.

And of course once Weirlandia righted itself, sort of like the Titanic actually making that turn and missing the iceberg, and my sense of humor turned up again in my front overall pocket where apparently I had forgotten it and so it went through the wash but remained intact though slightly more warped, I started humming a little tune to the beat that the words "Dirty Love" had been pounding in the back of my head the whole time.

And I thought about how adorable Johnny is when he sings; and how he mentioned in one episode of BGJW something about even though he's just this side of being an OCD neat freak, he loves hot, dirty, sweaty sex; and that really what I want after the single comes out is the VIDEO of him doing this song; and then that all got mixed together in the wash with that briefly misplaced sense of humor and out popped these Johnny-inspired lyrics to go with this .gif whose creator has my eternal thanks:

Chorus:
Dirty love

Ooo ooo dirty love

Hot, sweaty, dirty love

Let's get a little kinky

Should I grab my Slinky?

I really gotta have you

Dirty love

Verse 1:
Ooo, every time you're near me

No reason, babe, to fear me

Just because I'm always wearing

One red glove

And you know the only thing

That really makes me sing

Is the thing I'm dreaming of

Yeah, dirty love

Chorus:
Dirty love

Ooo ooo dirty love

Hot, sweaty, dirty love

I like it kinda kinky

But now you're kinda stinky

I really gotta clean you

Dirty love

Verse 2:
Ooo, once the party's ended

I am a bit offended

By the stains you always seem

To leave behind

Grab a wipe and help me out

That's what love is all about

The joy of cleaning up

From dirty love

Bridge:

Now we’re washing up above

The cabinets where I shoved

A brand-new double case

of Lemon Pledge

In the shower, scrub the tile

For just a little while,

Won't this lift you to the edge

of desire...?

Chorus:
Dirty love

Ooo ooo dirty love

Hot, sweaty, dirty love

I love the mess it makes

But then I get the shakes

I really gotta Swiffer

Dirty love

Rap portion with fade:

Oh, careful. Don’t step there.

Let me get that. Please move back.

You’re in the way. Are you going
to be like this all day?

Could you bring me the vacuum?

Thanks. Now leave the room.

Yeah, wait for me over there.

Maybe you should just go

and wash your hair...

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Please keep voting for Johnny
as "Most Addictive Reality Star"
in the NewNowNext Awards! Vote here
(he's the last one listed in the fifth category--scroll down!)
or on Twitter by constantly tweeting #realityWEIR.

Voting ends June 4, which gives us plenty of time

to get Johnny oh, say, ONE MILLION votes!

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"collective buttcheek(s) of Weirlandia" (c) 2010 Nicole Davis :)

copyright 2010 / Binky and the Misfit Mimes / Lynn V. Ingogly / all rights reserved