The Best of Binky's Johnny Weir Blog: petition

Showing posts with label petition. Show all posts

Monday, March 22, 2010

Petition Presented to Smuckers! And They Respond Immediately!

From Johnny Weir's Facebook page,
upon achieving 10,000 signatures on the petition:

Maria Bernier: Cheers to Johnny!!

Here's to happiness, honesty, health care,

and truth in the face of injustice!!
Take that, Smuckers!!
(more fan reaction here)

At last, the moment we've all been waiting for!

Yes, we hit 10,000 signatures on the petition last night! And then some!

Yay!

Everyone: Stop! Right now! And give yourselves a big round of applause and a hearty slap on the back. Preferably not at the same time, unless you have a Pilates machine handy to help you.

And guess what: The petition was sent to the designated contact person at Smucker's!

And GUESS WHAT: Yes, we received a response immediately!

Wow!

And what we received was (*insert drum roll here*):

An automated "out-of-office" e-mail reply.

(*insert eye roll here*)

And that's it.

Which, of course, is just exactly what we'd expect from the fine folks at Smucker's, who knew this petition was headed their way at some point soon and who thus decided, with all the crisis-management tools available to them, to go with "avoidance behavior."

And also whose products, which will never, ever enter my home again, all taste like there is paper close to them.

Smucker's: Made with care, and a generous dollop of hypocrisy, in every jar.

But we have much to be proud of--first of all, of course, Johnny, who is ever the epitome of class in every interview, whether addressing the whole agonizing charade that is SOI or any other topic. Nothing but grace and dignity and wicked humor in that boy. Also possibly some kind of mammoth thing, but we can't be sure.

And we also can be proud of all of us, those thousands (yes, literally thousands) of completely crazed fans who worked together tirelessly for two weeks, day into night into day, to achieve maximum petition pimpage overdrive and spent hours (yes, literally hours) hitting "Refresh" on their keyboards to watch that signature number climb and climb and climb until that total Gaga moment when we all saw 10,000 and immediately threw glitter everywhere and began drinking each other under the cyber-table.

Our efforts resulted in heavy media coverage that (1) blew the top off this seamy little snub and exposed it for what it is--Smucker's indignant little gasps of denial notwithstanding, (2) began a boycott of Smucker's, and (3) may have piqued the interest of other big corporations who are smart enough to perceive a ginormously popular [gold mine of a] phenomenon when they see one.

So while an invitation from Smucker's Stars on Ice may or may not be forthcoming when the designated contact person returns from the vending machine or the North Pole or wherever (sigh), there is serious hope that interested parties will band together to bankroll a second figure-skating tour--a glittery, Gaga competitor to Stars on Ice that puts ol' SOI out of its--and our--misery faster than you can say, "Family friendly."

We'll see.

But in the meantime: Job well done, people! (and by "people" I mean "pimps"--in the nicest way possible).

Also, the petition will remain online, so feel free to get more people to sign it! Just to SHOVE THAT MAMMOTH POINT HOME.

And finally: Here's OUR response--and by "our" I mean every single Johnny-obsessed fan out there, all chanting together in a sing-song chorus so thunderous that it makes all the Smucker's jars everywhere fall off the shelves and shatter and then all the shards of glass miraculously fly to Smucker's headquarters in Ohio where we already have the execs or whoever's responsible for this whole clustersmuck tied to their cushy executive pleather chairs and--

Oh. I'm sorry. Excuse me. I'm perspiring a bit and my sweater is all askew. And my children are staring at me with really big eyes.

Anyway. As I was saying, I believe we have the perfect response to their response, penned by one of our very own "OMG I LOVE YOU Johnny!" Facebook fans.

Now please say it with me:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue.

Smuckers can suck it,

'Cause, Johnny, we all love you!

--Robin Fosdick
Johnny Weir Facebook fan

If you would like to say it again, but with actual flowers,

please go here and be a part of the upcoming

BIG fan thank-you to Johnny,
also created by Robin!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Yes, It's Here: The All-New Johnny Weir Action Figure!

From Johnny Weir's Facebook page:

Cheryl Davidson LOL! For better or worse I am in full-on fangirl crush mode right now! And there's nothing I can do about it! I've got Johnny Weir fever AND I AM BURNING UP!

Cheryl Bateman I'm still sitting in my pajamas, reveling in all things Johnny. I still want an action figure.

Well, Cheryls, the wait is over! Here it is, what we all--pathetic, pajama-clad Internet stalkers that we are--have been waiting for: The cure for Johnny Fever! The Johnny crack that we hardcore addicts so desperately crave! Something to hold and touch after the footgasmic Be Good Johnny Weir Episode 107!

It's the Johnny Weir action figure!

Your scale-model Johnny is:

Authentically detailed! Yes, right down to his ... um ... yay! Episode 107!

Fully posable! (And by "fully" we mean "close your bedroom door, grab the included miniature Pilates machine, and let your imagination run wild...")

Completely dressed in his short program costume from the 2010 Olympics! Or not. (See above.)

Ready to talk to you! Pull the pink tassel on Johnny's left shoulder to hear these fan-favorite Weir-isms and sound effects:

When I'm good, I'm good. But when I'm bad, I'm better.

I walk on water. Well, frozen water.

What an artist. At times it is like BALLET on ice.

Don't you know that? Are you stupid?

This is Viacheslav Romanov!

To have this mammoth thing shoved in me...

And I've mounted it.

Ohhhhhhh daddy...

*snuffle*snuffle*snuffle*

The best thing you can ever be in this life is yourself.

Your Johnny action figure comes with these exciting accessories:

New! Bad Romance costume for exhibition skates!
Fur hat
Galliano underwear
Shiny, pointy shoes
Can of Pledge
Hello Kitty pillow
Pet mongoose
Every medal he's ever won, and every medal he should have won if it weren't for useless, blind, bean-counting judges....

Also available: The optional accessory pak! Includes stilettos, black leggings, glittery headband, a single red glove, and an assortment of tiny skin-care products.

Quantities are unlimited--just like Johnny's artistry, outspokenness, grace, and sheer sex appeal.

Order yours today!

1-800-OMG-WE-LOVE-THIS-MAN!

Now THAT should totally motivate you
to sign the petition...!
We are almost at 9,800 signatures!

Our goal is to reach 10,000 ASAP!

Please sign now if you haven't already!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

We Have Now Called in the Marines...

...fighting for the rights of Americans everywhere

to fly that [freak] flag high.

From Johnny Weir's Facebook page:

Will Hayes Holman So I broke down and iTuned your show. You crack me up, dude. And get this: I had six other Marines huddled around the computer all watching as well. One even made a shirt afterward that said, "2010, Year of the Weir!" What can I say? You rock, bro.

So do you, Will. So do you.

Petition update:

We are at 9,350 signatures!

Our goal is to reach 10,000 ASAP!

Please sign right now if you haven't already!
Don't make me send Will and his buddies
over to your house...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Today's Sermon: The Invention of Hypocrisy

"So, Mom, why don't they just CALL it 'Conservative Evangelical Christians on Ice' instead of 'Stars on Ice'?"

"Because Evan Lysacek is Greek Orthodox, so that would be inaccurate, dear."

And Smucker's Stars on Ice is nothing if not a stickler for truth. Smucker's founders were Mennonites, after all, and those values still permeate the company. And Stars on Ice producer Scott Hamilton is a member of the ultra-fundamentalist Church of Christ. So clearly, it's all about truth at SOI.

That's why they came out with this proud statement:

Yes, it's true. We have never invited Johnny Weir to join our tour because we do indeed think that he is not "family-friendly." And of course by that we mean "gay"--although Mr. Weir has never made a statement regarding his sexual orientation, so it's really just that he makes us uncomfortable. Especially because we find him extremely hot, particularly here. Also here. And you people don't have to like it, but by golly, it's our tour and our money and our values. And since honesty is high on our list of values, we are happy to confirm that honestly, we are indeed bigots, because there is no other explanation for why an amazingly talented champion like Mr. Weir, who has the largest fan base of any figure skater in the world, is not on our roster. After all, with a name like Smucker's, we have to be bigots.*

No, of course they didn't say that. Of course they HAD to deny the story with breathy gasps of righteous indignation and small, fluttery hand movements that weren't at all gay because really, even in America, we're not ready for that kind of truthfulness--the kind that, say, Johnny Weir completely embodies by living authentically, or the kind exhibited in the movie, The Invention of Lying, where everybody says the truth, to everyone, every day. Try that sometime, and see how well your next romantic evening goes ("Wow, I really find your cologne too heavy for my taste." "Yes, I was just thinking the same thing about your hips.")

So, no, I made that up.

Stars on Ice's actual response to the petition late Friday was this lovely bit of obfuscation:

We are disappointed that there is untrue and inaccurate information being disseminated. Please be assured that the “gender identity and sexual orientation” of cast members has never been a consideration in the selection of tour performers. ... While Stars on Ice wishes it could accommodate many more talented skaters as part of our cast, the fact is we cannot sign every skater.

Oh, I see. The roster is just SO CRAMMED FULL that they can't possibly make room for one more skater. Even though he's rather slim and can actually almost fit inside a small cabinet.

Then I was reminded by an alert Johnny's Angel that Evan will be missing quite a bit of the SOI tour because of his Dancing-With-the-Has-Beens obligation. So that would open up some tour dates for a few guest appearances by Johnny, right? Which makes SOI's no-room-at-the-inn statement seem a tiny bit disingenuous.

And then I read an announcement that Stars on Ice (and you know, every time I type that, I keep mistyping it as "Satrs," which my spellchecker interprets as "Satyrs," which, according to Greek mythology, were male companions of Pan and Dionysus and were associated with sex drive and often portrayed with perpetual erections, so really, how family-friendly is that?) had signed Joannie Rochette to the tour.

Joannie is the official spokesperson for WorldVision Canada, an Evangelical Christian organization.

Hence my daughter's question above.

Please know that I have nothing against Joannie, think she's fabulous and courageous, sent her condolences over the truly tragic loss of her mother, and agree with Johnny that hers was the iconic performance of the 2010 Olympics.

But, in the words of a new Johnny's Angel, "I'm learning so much from all this. Like that unbridled hypocrisy kinda scares me. "

So PLEASE, Smucker's Stars on Ice.

The only people you're fooling here are yourselves.

And that's the truth.

To show your support for Johnny Weir and his family,

please sign this petition! Let's call out the sponsor of the

Stars on Ice tour who won't invite Johnny

because he's not "family friendly"(?)

More info here, here, here, here, here, here,

and pretty much everywhere!

*Brilliant new Smucker's slogan (c) Leslie Jones Falls from Facebook.
Special thanks to http://johnnyweir.ning.com/ for the fabulous photos!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Petition Update: Umm, Why Would Johnny WANT to Skate for Stars on Ice?

Just my opinion, for what it's worth, no warranties either expressed or implied, and all other disclaimers yada yada yada:

To those who are asking, "Yuck! Why would Johnny even WANT to skate for Stars on Ice?" I feel compelled to say: Good point.

However, this is my understanding: Johnny REALLY has wanted to do SOI because it's the best way for him to earn money in the off-season to help his family; he'd be doing something he loves, unfettered by blind, bean-counting judges; and he'd be doing it in his own country (he loves his international fans, but it would be nice to not have to travel so far for an appreciative audience). It has been reported that he's paying for his brother's college education and also helps out his parents; his dad's on disability.

And it is my impression (based on covert intelligence-gathering secret ops involving trusted sources and dark Internet alleyways) that ALL THE OTHER SPONSORS of SOI want him too. It is also my understanding (please don't nail me to the wall or ask me to produce affidavits--but do know that there is basis to the whispers and rumors) that there's just one holdout.

Apparently this mess actually began back in 2008 when Johnny had just won a medal at Worlds--the only American to do so in two years. Stars on Ice posted a poll on their website: "Who would you most like to see on SOI?" Johnny won by an incredible landslide, the poll was promptly removed from the site, and when an explanation was demanded, the "not family-friendly" comment was the response posted on the SOI message board. I do not have a hard copy of that post, but there are plenty of witnesses to it.

Fast-forward to 2010 and the incredible outpouring of fan support worldwide for Johnny after the travesty of the Olympic judging. Suddenly all the other SOI sponsors are standing around, shifting their feet uncomfortably and muttering to each other, "Geez, that kid's a GOLD MINE waiting to happen to SOI...." (which, it's rumored, has been hemorrhaging money. I've been told that they had to cancel something like 20 of 40 tour dates in recent years, and even those dates play to half-empty arenas).

The other sponsors' eyes dart nervously to the big(oted) kid whose mouth is smeared with jam--but still he just won't budge...

I believe (again, my blog, just my opinions, based on some ... stuff... here and there) that the other sponsors may be hoping that outside pressure might make a difference.

For Johnny, even if it doesn't, the enormous amount of publicity might entice another corporation to underwrite his own tour--which would kill SOI completely.

To which I say, "Yay!"

Anybody got Ben and Jerry's number handy?

To show your support for Johnny Weir and his family,

please sign this petition! Let's call out the sponsor of the

Stars on Ice tour who won't invite Johnny

because he's not "family friendly"(?)

More info here, here, here, here, here, here,

and pretty much everywhere!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Petition Update: Power to the People! MWAH!

So late Tuesday night I received the go-ahead from trusted sources to post a blog entry regarding whispers that all the corporate sponsors except one would be delighted to have Johnny Weir--God's gift to glitter, figure skating, and impossibly gorgeous glutes (yes, I have seen Episode 107)--join the Smucker's Stars on Ice tour.

Hence this petition:

We, the undersigned, call on Stars on Ice and its sponsors

to include figure skater Johnny Weir

on its tour of United States cities.

Yup, apparently just one big corporate sponsor* stands in the way of millions of Americans getting to see Johnny do his thing--including the deliciously rumored new Lady Gaga exhibition piece.

What's the problem? Well, this corporation has allegedly decided--for you, for me, and for all Americans--that Johnny is not "family-friendly." Because that's the America we live in today: Conservative corporate fat-cats get to decide what choices you can't have.

The petition had first appeared online Sunday, March 7. In three days, we had collected 1,606 signatures. (For more back story on the petition, please see this post and also this one.)

But now, armed with this new info, Johnny's thousands of fans mobilized immediately to say it with LOTS of signatures: "What the smuck! Who are you to decide what's friendly for our families?"

After it hit the blogs, Facebook, and Perez Hilton on Wednesday (thank you, Perez! And thank you to Johnny's Angel "Wisewitch" for alerting Perez to the big scoop), we doubled the number of signatures in less than twelve hours!

I just now wrote to them suggesting that

they change their slogan to

"With a name like Sm_____s, we have to be bigots."
Leslie Jones Falls on Facebook

And now, as of this writing, we have just gone over 3,700 signatures.

BUT WE NEED MORE! This tour is something that Johnny really wants, according to those close to him. And that means this is our chance, as his fans, to actually do something concrete to thank him for all the joy he's given us, and all the sacrifices he's made to do that.

How often does this happen, that you can do one simple thing to make a huge, positive difference in someone else's life? Carpe diem, people! (Rough translation: Seize this sponsor by the ~~balls~~ shoulders, push them under the white-hot glare of viral Internet exposure, and apply pressure firmly [now hand me that cattle prod, would you, dear?], until they GET IT.)

So at the risk of repeating myself, let me repeat myself:

Please sign this petition
to get Stars on Ice to include Johnny
on this year's tour.

And by "sign" I mean "now." RIGHT NOW.

We need THOUSANDS more signatures

by Monday morning, March 15!

Now get out there and tell those corporate cardboard cut-outs what we the people want: More Johnny Weir!

Because when it comes to Johnny, too much is never enough.

(Ohhhhhhhh daddy... )

*To respond to those who have asked: The sponsor shall remain nameless.
But this is certainly a clusterSMUCK of a mess, and bombarding those
motherSMUCKERS with e-mails and also promising to boycott their products
will send the right "SMUCK you" message. If you get my drift... :)