The Best of Binky's Johnny Weir Blog: May 2010

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Glee-full!

I'm proud to be different. It's the best thing about me.

--Kurt Hummel, Glee

So I am late to the Glee party, but the minute Johnny tweeted that he was excited about its spring premiere some weeks ago, I immediately had to get on board. And wow. I am so glad I did. What a treasure of a show! Brilliant dialogue, fabulous singing, three-dimensional characters, and some of the wittiest writing ever.

Last night's Lady Gaga-tribute episode--which had me at "Gaga"-- included more on the powerful plot line involving Kurt, Finn, and Kurt's dad, whom I absolutely adore.

For those who aren't fully up-to-speed on Glee, Kurt is played by gay actor Chris Colfer (follow him on Twitter!), whose emotional range as an actor is astonishing. The character of Kurt also is gay, and has a crush on football star Finn. And Finn's mom is dating Kurt's dad, Burt, played by the amazing Mike O'Malley.

Burt recently invited Finn and his mom to move in with the Hummels. But that is not without its difficulties.

This speech of Burt's, directed at Finn when he overhears Finn yelling at Kurt for decorating their room in Burt's house with "faggy" stuff, should be required reading everywhere in America:

You think it's OK to come in MY house and say "faggy"?... I KNOW what you meant! What, you think I didn't use that word when I was your age? You know: Some kid gets clocked in practice, we tell him to "stop being such a fag. Shake it off." We meant it exactly the way YOU meant it: That being gay is wrong. That it's some kind of punishable offense. I really thought you were different, Finn. You know, I thought ... that you were some new generation of dude who saw things differently, who just kind of, you know, came into the world KNOWING what it's taken me YEARS of struggling to figure out. I guess I was wrong. ... I love your mom. And maybe this is going to cost me her. But my family comes first. I can't have that kind of poison around. ... He is my SON.

Dear God. Yes. This SO MUCH.

THIS is parenting: Loving your children more than yourself; understanding who they are and that they are NOT you; accepting them for who they are; and then doing everything you can to help them be who they are to the fullest--to be the most vibrant, alive, joy-affirming, self-loving (which is not in any way the same as self-involved), fully engaged people they can be. In the most poison-free environment you can create for them.

So now my new daydream is that Burt Hummel and Patti Weir team up and hit the lecture circuit (John Weir should come too, except that I know traveling is difficult for him. Maybe he could join in via Skype?). Because we need them to speak at assemblies at every school in the country, and then offer parenting seminars in the evenings.

Mandatory seminars, IMO.

With perhaps a quiz at the end, followed by refreshments of beautiful cod (except in the Midwest, where they just want bologna and cheese).

So maybe eventually we could, in fact, raise new generations of kids who grow up NOT thinking bullying is OK, who are NOT all insecure about themselves which makes them feel threatened inside by those who are different, a feeling that stems from this kind of thinking: "If that kid is different from me, then maybe I'm wrong, because that's my secret fear, that whoever I am--which I don't really know who that is; I only know all the mixed messages I get about who I'm supposed to be--is just wrong anyway, and so clearly the only logical response on my part is to beat up the kid who is different so I can feel better about my own secret fears involving my perceived inadequacy as a human being. For a few minutes."

Maybe we could find a better way.

Let's start by taking to heart the message of last night's Glee as lived by Johnny Weir, and as articulated by a desperately defiant Kurt when faced with football-squad bullies (moments before Finn appears in a red rubber dress to save him):

I'm proud to be different. It's the best thing about me.

Me too.

On an entirely different but also gleeful note: Congratulations to Nicole Scherzinger and her partner, Derek Hough, on winning DWTS! I voted my maximum five times for Nicole at the DWTS website on Monday night because Johnny had asked his fans to vote for her, and his wish is my command, as always. So yay for Nicole!

And now, by popular demand, please enjoy this clip of my favorite moment from this season's DWTS.

One final bit of giddy gleefulness: Johnny tweeted yesterday that he loves peonies. And with the help of alert fan Nicole Davis, I suddenly realized that THAT is the quote that belongs on this photo:

PLEASE KEEP VOTING FOR JOHNNY
as "Most Addictive Reality Star"
in the NewNowNext Awards! Vote here
(he's the last one listed in the fifth category--scroll down!)
or on Twitter by constantly tweeting
and retweeting #realityWEIR.

Voting ends June 4, which gives us plenty of time

to get Johnny oh, say, 100,000 votes!
PLEASE also VOTE HERE for Johnny to win
the 2010 Readers' Choice Skater of the Year Award
(voting ends July 15)!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Brief Musings on Sex and the [Insert the Johnny-licious Noun of Your Choice Here]

Johnny says he spends 83% of his time naked!

All those in favor of the Facebook fans taking turns

in a rotating unpaid internship with either

Joey Camasta or Eric Alt, say "OMG I DIE!"

So Johnny attended the premiere of Sex and the City 2 last night in NYC, and he was kind enough to allow the process of getting ready, as orchestrated by the Beauty Bears, Joey Camasta of MAC Cosmetics and Eric Alt of Eric Alt Salons, to be twitpic'd, much to the collective squeeing and purring of his Kittens.

And then came the finished look, and as usual he never fails to surprise and delight. Rather than some type of all-pink SATC2-tribute complete with tiara and boa, which many Kittens might have been expecting, he turned up in an elegant ensemble highlighted by a fabulous green shirt that complemented his eyes beautifully. Some wondered if perhaps having the burly Beauty Bears on board resulted in this unexpected fashion turn, but personally I think it was Just Johnny, as always. Eight days ago we teetered heavily to one side with the ostrich-tatious coat of many colors (which I loved); last night, we leaned hard the other way, all understated black jacket, ubiquitous meggings, and the softly draped scarf and shirt. It's simply his way of keeping the universe in balance so that none of us slide off the edge of the earth into whatever orange-toned, fashion-challenged hell dimension lurks there. So thank you, BB. The world will never fully grasp or appreciate all that you do for us.

(Note: There was some mild disagreement over "like/not like" re: the makeup Johnny wore for the evening. I'd like to gently and ever so courteously ask that we refrain from initiating a long discussion on that point here. Been there, sucked that, on various other sites. And I fall into the "I like whatever he chooses at any particular moment" judging category, so let's just admire the shirt and those lashes and sing a chorus of Christina Aguilara's "Dreamy Eyes" together, shall we?)

Afterward he tweeted that he loved the movie, so naturally I'll have to see it at some point.

WE INTERRUPT THIS MOMENT OF SWOONING ADORATION TO BRING YOU THE LATEST NEWNOWNEXT SEVEN-DAY VOTE TOTALS FROM TWITTER! Please slip into something completely nerdy--plaid pants, a striped shirt, and Buddy Holly glasses in which the nosepiece is held together with first-aid tape will do--and let's review:

Our total votes have increased,

but our daily average fell a little bit.

Please keep tweeting and retweeting #realityWEIR!

And now back to our feature presentation.

Of course all of us on his Facebook fan page were sighing that we wished we could have been there (though one lucky fan, Kit Carlson, actually was, and so we wait breathlessly for photos from Kit while simultaneously working industriously on our time-travel and body-switching spells so that we can all take turns BEING Kit for that glorious evening ... ).

To assuage our longing for now, I present this .gif, which may allow you, if you use your imagination a tiny bit, to pretend that you're actually walking up to Johnny on the red carpet just in time for him to escort you into the movie ...

(Optional dialogue:

You: Hello, BB! Don't you look fabulous, as always!

Johnny: Hey gurl hey! I've been waiting here just for you ...

You: *faint*

I keep rewriting this scene, but I always end up at the same place, with the fainting...)

Voting ends June 4, which gives us plenty of time

to get Johnny oh, say, 100,000 votes!
PLEASE also VOTE HERE for Johnny to win
the 2010 Readers' Choice Skater of the Year Award
(voting ends July 15)!

Monday, May 24, 2010

NewNowNext Awards Update: Johnny's Kittens Are Rocking the Vote!!

"Hey! You've been tweeting #realityWEIR

over and over for me? Thanks!

I'll be right over with these roses!"

Oh, just look at him. And not just there. Look here. And here. And especially here. Now how could we not vote repeatedly for Johnny to win the NewNowNext "Most Addictive Reality Star" award? Obviously the answer is: We couldn't. It's physically impossible to stop ourselves from doing just that. And now we've got the stats to prove it!

We're heading into the home stretch for voting, which ends
June 4--just thirteen more voting days left (also shopping days, except who has time to shop when we can't stop tweeting long enough to even feed the dog, let alone go out and buy stuff. Although actually you can shop at Ban.do 24/7, so it is, in fact, possible to shop and tweet for Johnny simultaneously, but not buy dog food--although maybe a nice little ban.do for the dog, who really is looking quite svelte these days ... )

So ever since this NewNowNext thing began, I have been scouring the Interwebz for a useful tool that actually works to track our voting. (Yes, you can do a search on Twitter for #realityWEIR, but that only shows you the most recent tweets and doesn't offer any kind of history. Plus it craps out after about three refreshes and then mumbles weird technogeek stuff about how running scripts on this page may cause your computer to barf, screw up a triple toe loop, and then implode. So it's not a big help.) And those nice NewNowNext people sweetly refuse to offer a running total of any kind since they insist that the results must be a surprise when the winners are announced on June 17. They don't realize, of course, that HELLO, we are JOHNNY WEIR fans--with all the intense single-minded devotion that that implies...

In the meantime, we Kittens (as Johnny calls us, which just makes us SQUEE! and then purr like crazy, a word that crops up frequently when describing JWe fans--but it's a good crazy, not the quiet-neighbor-who-always-kept-to-himself kind of crazy, because for starters "quiet" we definitely are not) are all milling around with ever-growing anxiety as we wait for him to announce whether or not he's competing next season. And, as alert fan Jessica Lane points out, when Johnny's overly artistic, creative, passionate, and rabid fanbase is trapped in a small room with no glitter to snort and nothing to do but chew on our very sharp claws and hiss at each other, things can get messy. So fortunately many of us have made it our mission to control our anxiety by ~~eating~~ voting nonstop. And we're doing a helluva job.

I finally found a site called "What the hashtag" that actually works pretty well to track Twitter votes, although I can't get more than a seven-day history at a time. So I've had to do some extrapolating from there, which isn't nearly as stimulating as it might sound. Although maybe if Johnny did it ... in which case it would probably be called "sex-trapolating" and would look something like this:

Anyway, Johnny is up against four competitors for this award: Khloe Kardashian from Keeping Up With the Kardashians; Snooki from Jersey Shore; Andrew Mukamal from Kell on Earth; and JuJuBee from RuPaul's Drag Race.

So check us out, Kittens! (Yeah, OK, it's a nerdy-ass table and practically requires a pocket protector to view it, but LOOK AT THE VOTES!!):

Yes! We are ROCKING the vote on Twitter for Johnny! And that's especially thanks to these Top Ten Tweeters and the vote totals that they have contributed so far (and these totals are just for the last seven days):

1. @maxonat - 1,599
  2. @Cheddar_Cat - 1,196
3. @realityWeir - 1,110
4. @KittenGlitterHD - 1,040
5. @TheJerseySlore - 1,034
6. @MaggieStNJ - 1,024
7. @Moo58 - 830
8. @blackren101 - 658
9. @princessjhnylv - 631
10. @mommaowie - 419

You can track our progress and that of Johnny's competitors through these links:

Khloe          http://wthashtag.com/Realitykhloe
Snooki     http://wthashtag.com/Realitysnooki
Andrew   http://wthashtag.com/Realityandrew
JuJuBee   http://wthashtag.com/Realityjujubee
Johnny    http://wthashtag.com/Realityweir

So we are doing an AMAZING job--but this is no time to slack off! In the thirteen days we have left, let's see if we can raise our daily average to more than 2,000! Because here's the caveat: We do NOT have a way to track the votes cast on the NewNowNext website. So we've got to vote as often as possible, especially on Twitter, to make sure that Johnny is in first place.

As @natomax tweeted: If Johnny loses to Snooki, a kitten will die.

Although I think JuJuBee is the real threat here, and I don't know what terrible thing will happen if she wins--although I'm sure whatever death-dealing nightmare ensues, it will certainly be flamboyant, glamorous, and over-the-top. And have big hair.

But let's not go there. Let's just keep tweeting #realityWEIR around the clock FTW! Because this whole addiction is Johnny's freaking fault anyway, since he had me at, "I walk on water. Well, frozen water."

And if there's one word that describes Johnny Weir--whether he's skating, singing, walking, extrapolating, stepping into the shower, or just breathing--it's most definitely "addictive."

PLEASE KEEP KEEP VOTING FOR JOHNNY
as "Most Addictive Reality Star"
in the NewNowNext Awards! Vote here
(he's the last one listed in the fifth category--scroll down!)
or on Twitter by constantly tweeting
and retweeting #realityWEIR.

Voting ends June 4, which gives us plenty of time

to get Johnny oh, say, 100,000 votes!
PLEASE also VOTE HERE for Johnny to win
the 2010 Readers' Choice Skater of the Year Award
(voting ends July 15)!

photo (c) Amie Photography.com
Thanks to ontd_skating for the .gif!

Monday, May 17, 2010

And the Winner Is....

So I TiVo'd the Miss USA pageant and was able to watch the whole thing in under ten minutes because of course all I cared about were the Johnny moments, of which there were really only three of note that I saw: His introduction as a judge, his question to Miss Colorado, and a brief moment caught on camera toward the end of the program.

Let's begin by announcing that Johnny was the immediate and obvious winner of the Miss USA Judge Who Is Clearly Not Afraid to Wear Anything and We Mean Anything for the Pure Unadulterated Glee of It All Especially Since Hello We're in Vegas and Half the Fun Lies in Freaking Out Middle America and the Other Half Is Just Simply All About the Feathers, as this outfit which literally made me gasp with the fierce and amusing fabulousness of it all so perfectly illustrates:

OK, in my opinion he looks stunning, as always,

whether you see this as inspired by a happily fierce ostrich

that is completely comfortable in its own feathers,

or as a sign of the apocalypse.

Johnny's tweet late last night further reinforced my delighted understanding of his fashion choices for the evening. Of course pageants call for craziness. You people have seen Little Miss Perfect and Toddlers & Tiaras, right? Those parents completely have the crazy and they're not afraid to use it, healthy childhoods and future therapy costs be damned.

Johnny also wins for Most Real Camera Moment Among Miss USA Judges for this footage near the end of the pageant, right before a commercial break, in which he appears a little bored--or possibly rocking out to the music in his head which I'm guessing is Lady Gaga's "Boys Boys Boys"--and also definitely squirmy and fidgety, like the most super-glam five-year-old ever who may need to pee and is wondering "Mom/Tara, WHEN is this thing OVER? Cuz I'm getting a little cranky here and am not going to be able to behave much longer...":

Finally: I thought his question for the interview portion of the pageant was quite interesting:

"A new social networking site has become a place for young people to anonymously post gossip, nasty, and sometimes sexual comments about their peers. Should such sites be regulated by the government?"

An alert Twitterer later tweeted this, which sent me on a search regarding more information about formspring.me, with which I was somewhat familiar since I've read some of the questions and answers on the one that belongs to Aunt Joyce. But I had no idea that this exciting new frontier in social-networking tools was recently used to drive a 17-year-old girl to suicide. Given that Johnny is a vigorous proponent of free speech, but also that he had to shut down his MySpace some time back because of all the hideous stuff that idiot people felt compelled to post on it as they are even less human than the slime from which they crawled, I think he may have a very personal perspective on this issue. I'm not sure what answer he might give were the question asked of him, nor what answer he might have been looking for from Miss Colorado, although my daughter suggested this: "An articulate one."

At any rate, I thought the pageant was way too much about the contestants and not nearly enough about Johnny, but we'll take what we can get during the off-season while in the dark recesses of our minds looms ever larger, like a giant SyFy mushroom, the all-important question: Will he or won't he continue in competitive skating? And since we won't know the answer to that until likely June, we must content ourselves with whatever Johnny-media crumbs fall our way, even if they're from Donald Trump's table and contain excessive amounts of spackle-like hairspray. So all in all, I enjoyed every second that Johnny was on screen, I hope he had a truly wonderful time these last ten days in LA and Las Vegas because that boy has more than earned some major party time, and once again I am so thankful for the magic of TiVo, which allowed me to zoom past whoever all those women were and replay Johnny squirming over and over and over ...

And now: The moment we've all been waiting for! (Well, not really. The moment we're all waiting for is the one where the doorbell rings and it's Johnny standing on the front porch, feathers in place, Pledge in hand, and wicked grin spreading all the way to those elfin ears while time stands still ... But we'll make do with this, shall we?). Our Miss Weirlandia contestants are poised and ready for the final results!

In a four-way tie for third runner-up are: Miss Creant, Miss Adventure, Miss Anthrope, and Miss Informed!

Our second runner-up is ... Miss Take!

Our first runner-up is ... Miss Nomer!

And yes, that means our winner is ... (drum roll please): The one and only Miss Behavior! Who is nowhere to be found, but has apparently left a trail of ostrich feathers and bits of strawberry in her wake... and by the way, has anyone seen Johnny...?

Please keep voting for Johnny
as "Most Addictive Reality Star"
in the NewNowNext Awards! Vote here
(he's the last one listed in the fifth category--scroll down!)
or on Twitter by constantly tweeting #realityWEIR.

Voting ends June 4, which gives us plenty of time

to get Johnny oh, say, ONE MILLION votes!
And vote here for Johnny to win
the 2010 Readers' Choice Skater of the Year Award!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

And Now for the Interview Portion of Our Pageant...

Weirlandia's King Johnny enjoys a patriotic photo op

with the very first Miss America,

Margaret Gorman, the 1921 pageant winner

who rocked some serious headgear à la Lady Gaga.

Interestingly, the Miss USA pageant came into being 30 years after Miss Gorman won that first crown, when the 1951 Miss America winner, Yolanda Betbeze (I am not making this up) refused to participate in publicity photos that required her to wear a swimsuit. So pageant sponsor Catalina Swimwear snatched up all its swimsuits in a huff and flounced out the door to create the Miss USA/Miss Universe pageants, which Donald Trump eventually bought in 1996.

An important distinction between Miss America and Miss USA: The Miss USA pageant does not include a talent competition, which seems very democratic as it affords lots of people who have no discernible talent whatsoever the opportunity to be on TV. Wait--is this Fox News or Miss USA...?

In modeling itself (pun intended, of course--I will do anything to have good, clean pun, although dirty puns are even better) after the Miss USA pageant, the Miss Weirlandia contest has further reduced the competition to just two categories: The Swimwear event, seen on Friday's blog, and today's all-important Interview event.

And now, Johnny, our pageant judge, looking truly resplendent in something ... feathered, and sporting a blindingly sparkly new Ban.do, shall ask each of our seven finalists to answer this question provided to him by a brain trust of all the previous Miss USA winners that is headed by the most spectacularly inarticulate pageant also-rans ever, Miss California USA 2009 Carrie Prejean and Miss South Carolina Teen USA 2007 Caitlin Upton:

Johnny: So since we live in a land where in some states you can choose either same-sex or "opposite" marriage (?) and even though some people out there don’t have maps, everywhere, like, such as, and our education here in the US should help South Africa and the Iraq and the Asian countries, do you believe that adding a cup of flour to a cookie recipe when baking in a state with high altitude should affect one’s decision as to which of two trains traveling toward each other at different speeds will arrive first in a triangular area whose northernmost point is Devils Tower, Wyoming, a state like so many others in which you can only choose "opposite" marriage which really then is not a choice at all, and given the fact that a simple majority in the US Senate is 51 but somehow 60 votes are needed to actually accomplish anything except on any day of the week which has the word “day" in it, would this inspire you to become an activist for underprivileged pets or to simply stare vacantly into the camera and hope you looked good enough in your swimsuit on Friday to win this thing? Why or why not? [frowns, then looks up expectantly at the contestants]

Miss Creant: [smiles broadly and offers a knowing wink] Let me say that as the recipient of a sizeable bonus from the TARP money given to my employer, Goldman Sachs, I have every confidence that the private meeting I attended earlier today in which envelopes were exchanged shall ensure that I am crowned Miss Weirlandia no matter how I answer this, but I would like to add that growing up as an underprivileged pet myself, with only one diamond-studded collar to get me through a whole week of designer outfits, certainly leaves me uniquely equipped to suggest that being amoral really is everything that it's cracked up to be. Thank you.

Miss Adventure: [creaks as she turns to face the camera] I almost scaled Devils Tower once, but the rope snapped just as I neared the top, which is how I met Evan Lysacek. We were in the same hospital at the same time, receiving matching hip replacements-- [the rest of her answer is drowned out by restless and horrified muttering from the crowd]

Miss Take: [smiles uncertainly] I'm sorry. Could you repeat the question?

Miss Nomer: [briskly] I think "opposite marriage" is really not the correct term here unless we're talking about my parents, who could not have been more opposite in every way which didn't necessarily make for a really happy partnership. And if same-sex partners who are complete opposites want that same agony of daily irritation, who are we to deny that to them? Also, how is 51 out of 50 not a functioning "majority"? And I honestly have no idea what "underprivileged pets" means. And shouldn't "interview" really involve more than one question?

Miss Anthrope: [with lip curled] I hate people who write interview questions.

Miss Behavior: [caresses Johnny's cheek] Hey gurl hey! Honey, you know I think the answer to everything is more chocolate-covered strawberries. That, plus your smile, and you skating to "Imagine" just one more time--that would bring us world peace in a heartbeat, BB.

Miss Informed: [looks down at her notes with dismay] Um, I wasn't told there would be an interview portion in this competition...

All righty then. Now it's your turn. You can help Johnny judge the Miss Weirlandia pageant by voting for your favorite contestant! Click here to cast your vote! You may vote as often as you like until voting ends on Monday, May 17, at 12:15 a.m. Pacific time. Winner to be announced on the blog!

And please remember to watch Johnny on NBC tonight as he judges the Miss USA pageant live in Las Vegas, 7 p.m. EDT, 6 p.m. CDT!

Voting ends June 4, which gives us plenty of time

to get Johnny oh, say, ONE MILLION votes!
And vote here for Johnny to win
the 2010 Readers' Choice Skater of the Year Award!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Friday Fluff: There She Is, Miss Weirlandia...

Click on the picture, or click here,

to see the contestants!

(Click again for a larger view.)

Not only is Johnny judging the Miss USA pageant this year,

he's also the one and only judge for Miss Weirlandia,

a celebration of free bitches and their beauty, inside and out!

Here he is with this year's seven finalists.

Please click here or on the picture to see the contestants

chosen to represent Weirlandia in all its diversity!
(Click again for a larger view.)
Click here to read the Miss Weirlandia contestant bios.

And please be sure to watch Johnny

on Donald Trump's Miss USA pageant this Sunday,

May 16, televised live starting at 6 p.m. CDT on NBC!

Voting ends June 4, which gives us plenty of time

to get Johnny oh, say, ONE MILLION votes!
And vote here for Johnny to win
the 2010 Readers' Choice Skater of the Year Award!

Special thanks to Johnny Weir Facebook fan
Nicole Davis for the inspiration!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Weirlandia Wiki

The Great Seal of the Kingdom of Weirlandia.

Founded: July 2, 1984

Founding Peoples: Saint John and Queen Mother Patti Weir.

Ruler: His Kind, Benevolent, and Gorgeous Eminence, King Johnny Glitterati Weir. Sometimes known as Princess J.

Motto: OMG I DIE.

Lemon Pledge of Allegiance: I pledge allegiance to the man who is the King of Weirlandia, and to all the glitter on which he stands; one man, one Weirlandian nation; indivisible; with sparkly warklies, glitterbombs, and love to all.

Bordered by: Evanistan to the north and west; Lambieland
to the south; Union of Super Sexy Plushy (USSP) to the east. Tiny Joubertembourg is nestled in the corner where Lambieland and the USSP meet.

Capital city: Paris.

National symbols:

     Flower: Red rose.

     Accessory: Pink tassel.

     Animal: The unicorn.

     Bird: The phoenix, mythical creature celebrated for its ability to rise from the ashes and be born anew, again and again.

Tree: Those ones that Dr. Seuss used to draw. They all look like that here.

     Insect: Ew. We don't have insects. They are just too gross. Hand me another wipe, would you, please?

     Gemstone: Swarovski crystal.

     Beverages: Starbucks and Bellinis. No, not mixed together. Don't you know that? Are you stupid?

National pastimes: Vacuuming and Pledging. Also Snarking, as appropriate.

National holidays: July 2, the King's birthday, is the holiday highlight of the year. The 183 days preceding it are spent planning special celebratory events for the day; the remaining 182 days afterward are dedicated to cleanup (don't ask) and preparing for next year's celebration. In addition, there is the Renaissance Festival of Slurs and Slores that crops up spontaneously, often as a response to events in Evanistan--though we try to ignore those as much as possible for the sake of our king, our sanity, and our skin tone.

Conservation efforts: A mongoose-free zone since 1984.

Religious history: Weirlandians are too tolerant, freedom-loving, genuinely kind and caring, and way too busy on Facebook to bother organizing any type of religion. Also we can't get any volunteers to bring in stale bagels and burnt coffee. However, there are several historical buildings in which citizens sometimes come together to hang out, encourage one another, and help anyone who needs it. These include St. Sparkle's Cathedral, Our Lady of Perpetual Yet Ambiguous Sexual Hotness, Church of the Dazzlerene, and Glory and Glitter Downtown Mission. These informal gatherings often conclude with the singing of the one and only traditional Weirlandian hymn: "We love you, Johnny; oh yes, we do! We love you, Johnny; and we'll be true! When you're not near us, we're blue! Oh Johnny, we love you!"

Most-quoted proverb: Out of ugly, make something beautiful.

Popular bumper stickers:
"Weirlandia: Proudly Bringing You the Best in Diva Bitch Whores on Ice Since 1984."

"Welcome to Weirlandia! Where Everyone Has a Sexual Orientation. Or Two."

"Weirlandia: We're So Not in Naperville Anymore."

"Weirlandia: Because Everyone Has Nipples!"

"Weirlandia! We Could Just Pee Ourselves With Glee!"

"My Other Car Is a Fur-Lined Zamboni"

"Honk If You Have a Butt-Heart from Tanning"

"Honk If You Slice Cheese Like You Don't Know Anything"

"Honk If You Knew It Was a Gargoyle, Not a Dog"

"Honk If You're NOT Sorry for All the Drug References"

"Honk If You've Been There, Sucked That"

"WWJGWD"

Natural resources: Frozen water, eco-friendly GlitterFuel, boundless love and grace among all inhabitants even when we disagree.

Major industries: Who has time for industry? That would really cut into our Facebook discussions and our *right click-save* ontd extravaganzas. Although we're really industrious about those.

Top imports: Guyliner, foot massagers, razor blades, and cupcakes.

Climate and topography: Weirlandia's landscape is reminiscent of a beautiful snowglobe, all gentle sparkles and glittery mountain ranges, complemented by dozens of icy lakes that are ideal for skating year round. Interestingly, the temperature remains a balmy 75 to 85 degrees Fahrenheit through every season, yet the lakes remain frozen. Some say this phenomenon is rooted in the Ancient Legend of the Frozen Cornfield, a story handed down from generation to generation about the day the King first realized the gift he had been given. In return for his willingness to sacrifice everything to hone the gift and share it with the world, the Powers That Be granted the Weirlandians' wish for perfect weather coupled with perfect ice every day for their King. Because coupling is a good thing.

National haiku:
     Johnny my fingers bleed
     For you I tweet all night long
     Please God beat Snookie

National anthem: "Weirlandia, He's Beautiful"

(sung to the tune of "America the Beautiful")

O beautiful, his long-lashed eyes,

In triumph and in pain,
With sparkly, defiant majesty,
He proves them wrong again!
Weirlandia! Weirlandia!
So mesmerized are we
We crown his brow with roses now
OMG we die, JWe!

Official Royal Portrait

of King Johnny Glitterati Weir

Voting ends June 4, which gives us plenty of time

to get Johnny oh, say, ONE MILLION votes!
And vote here for Johnny to win
the 2010 Readers' Choice Skater of the Year Award!

Special thanks to Johnny Weir Facebook fans
Lizzy Pine for her fierce artwork,
Laura Steele for the Queen Mother's portrait,
Ashley Taylor for the motto,
Deborah Johnson for the Lemon Pledge of Allegiance,
Marla Showfer for finding the Unicorn macro,
Francine Pereyra for the hymn,
and Jessica Lane for the haiku!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day Reprise: In Praise of Patti Weir

Johnny Weir and his mom, Patti, in Times Square

From an interview with Outsports.com, September 2009

I first wrote this entry on March 12, but since more readers have discovered the blog recently, today seemed the perfect day to repost for any who might have missed it earlier.

This started out as an open letter to Johnny's mom, Patti Weir, a woman I admire so much that there aren't even words for it, but along the way it made itself into a poem--into free verse, actually, which, when the subject is Johnny Weir, seems exactly right.

May I extend my best wishes this Mother's Day to the amazing Patti, and to all the moms out there who are getting it right, one child at a time. And may we see our world transformed into a kinder, more open, and more caring place through the legacy of grace and love that we leave to, and that lives on in, our children.

Dear Patti,

From one mom to another:
You are amazing.

I would love to meet you for coffee.

You are funny, outspoken, and brave.

You are the only mom I know
who would allow the world to watch
as you plaster on huge fake eyelashes
to be interviewed by your son,
who himself has donned a blonde wig,
fake glasses, and a Russian accent,
and begins the interview with,
"He came out of your vagina,"
to which you simply nod and smile.

It's easy for the rest of us to forget
that the phenomenon known as Johnny Weir
did not just fall out of the sky one day
for our entertainment.

Once upon a time, he was a little boy.
Your beautiful little boy.

(I'm sure he still is every time you look at him.)

A little boy who very much went his own way.
Literally.
"Even when I was little, I was playing on a soccer team
and running the complete opposite way,
pretending to be a zebra, an ostrich, or something.
So I have always been ... like this."

"We tried soccer, baseball and hockey,"

you said,

"but Johnny never liked team sports.

He was so shy and quiet.

But on the ice, he came alive.

It was OK to be himself.''

Johnny has often said

that it was you and his dad

who taught him that it was OK

to do just that:

to be himself.

But while you instilled in him that it was OK,
I don't think it was ever easy.

When ignorant people
made appallingly ignorant comments
about Johnny during these last Olympics,
he shrugged.

"I've heard worse in bathrooms and whatnot about me."

(I can only imagine
the incredibly hurtful incidents
that inform that simple sentence,
and the pain they must have caused
Johnny.
And you.
Because a wound inflicted on your child
is so much worse than anything
you might suffer directly.)

But you and your husband, John,
raised your boys to know this:

"You must always be yourself
and always enjoy what you are doing
and take no prisoners.

"You can’t care what anyone else thinks
because really there is no basis for that in your life.

"You have to live your life for yourself."

Johnny says you were very upset
that he chose to withdraw from Worlds this year.
And yet I know you remain
his unconditional support.
Always.
And that's what allows him
to make his own decisions
and stand behind them,
because even when you disagree with him,
you're there
standing behind him.

Your wickedly witty boy
is an inspiring example
of grace, dignity, and courage:
a man who owns who he is.
And in the end,
that's all that really matters.

And we can all see that your little boy
became this very fine young man
very, very much because of you.

So thank you, from all of us
who have fallen in love with Johnny,
to you--
who loved him first
and fiercely
and so very well.

PLEASE VOTE HERE for Johnny to win
the 2010 Readers' Choice Skater of the Year Award!
And please keep voting for Johnny
as "Most Addictive Reality Star"
in the NewNowNext Awards! Vote here
(he's the last one listed in the fifth category--scroll down!)
or on Twitter by constantly tweeting #realityWEIR.

Voting ends June 4, which gives us plenty of time

to get Johnny oh, say, ONE MILLION votes!